Should I get some help?

I have an amazing group of friends and family but I know there are some things that I want to scream about that I can't say in front of them. There are the 'will I ever feel normal' questions that I must be driving them even more mad than I am that I need to ask and I want answered. I've been offered counselling, I have never wanted, asked for or had counselling and I don't know if I like the idea of having a stranger tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. Most people who know me know that I am terrible at being told what to do, I don't like it, I don't take well to it and then I rebel against it. Maybe then a bit of rebellion would do me good, make me feel normal again.

Following the head pain incident I'm coping well with that but my next issue will be radiotherapy, I know I will have to have some and I am terrified about it. I made the ridiculous mistake of reading an online article of radiotherapy and it's symptoms. Nausea, tiredness, hair loss. Bloody marvellous, so it seems that just as I will really will start to feel better I'll feel crap again, just as I can get to do some yoga without being scared that my damaged brain won't wobble around in my head I will have a vile drug put into my body to make me feel even worse. I have taken this into some control though and asked for it to be given after my daughters wedding, I don't want to be the sick looking and feeling mother of the bride, I want to be THE mother of the bride, looking and feeling amazing.

I have been putting life on hold for 3 months now and have been told to stop, so I've got a few things organised, visiting friends, going to the theatre, shopping and catching the train to visit more friends. It feels wonderful but I can't share the fear with anyone, what if I have a seizure on the train? What If I'm on my own and get sick or dizzy or confused?????? My life and head feels like a huge what if, I really don't know how to deal with this and don't know if blubbering it all to a stranger will make me feel any better. Looking forward to the theatre though :) It's also time to shift the weight gain put on thanks to bloody steroids, vile medication that makes you feel disgusting, not sleep, loss of eyesight and ravenous hunger. So fat club has me as a new member, lovely people and a great system to keep you on track to shift your excess fat, my question is though is how is it that the woman running this club and has been for 14 years is the fattest in the room? I know that's me being nasty but it is a valid question in my head.

Study time again, OMG I have a study book that is enormous, how am I going to remember any of this stuff? Do I really need to know the anatomy of the human body to recommend a good herb or essential oil for a good healing? Apparently so, who knew? So I'm trying to give myself some sort of schedule to yoga, study, walk and knit the scarves and hats for the homeless women of where I live, yes that is how my boredom took hold, knit, knit and knit some more, it's either that or facebook and TBH I am sick of facebook and the bloody rubbish that goes onto it.

So life ATM is sadly not normal and doesn't look like it will be for a while BUT, it will be normal again sometime just not soon. Might as well get reading and knitting again :)

After typing this I have gone back to some meditation and music study, it's been amazing that the part I'm on is literally about how music therapy is helpful to aid neurological and brain damage, it's helpful in the healing and relaxing process. Thank goodness for the Tibetan bowls, Gabrielle Aplin and Jasmine Thompson, my saviours

“We do so much, we run so quickly, the situation is difficult, and many people say, "Don't just sit there, do something." But doing more things may make the situation worse. So you should say, "Don't just do something, sit there." Sit there, stop, be yourself first, and begin from there.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

A pain in my head

OK so to wake up with a pain that is like a bee sting is a damn pain in the head (obviously I would usually say arse but that is def the wrong place!) This is right on the scar, WTF is that all about? Well I shall tell you.When you get cut you cause damage to your nerve endings, you know that yes? Well what you may or may not know is that in your head you have micro nerve endings, thousands of them, who knew? I DID NOT, I also DID NOT know that these micro nerve endings bloody hurt when they start knitting themselves back together to heal, they are literally like bee stings and can last anything from 6 months to 2 years. FFS cos I haven't suffered enough with seizures, having my head cut open, sight loss, memory loss, ear infections, lack of sleep, ridiculous medication, not allowed to work, travel or drive, lets have just a bit more bloody pain!!!!!!

TBH I did go into panic mode until I knew what it was, once I know what causes the pain I can relax and know that I'm not involuntarily reopening and letting everything inside my head fall out, urgh what a foul thought. I was offered some horribly strong pain killers that have disgusting side effects, they were declined, I'll stick to paracetamol, a nice cuppa and some sleep it off time.

The ravenousness of the steroids have made me gain half a stone OMG I am going to be the mother of the bride in November wearing a tent, so the time has come to go to slimming world, yes that's right I have joined a fat club (hehehehe) TBH despite the franticness of the start of the class I will stick to it, I have weight to lose and a stunning size 12 mother of the bride dress to fit into. I am half a stone heavier than I was before Amos was discovered so thats it's got to come off so salad and yoga along with my 10,000 steps a day is it. I haven't got time to be ill.

Meditation has been a bit of a life saver, I am loving reading and studying. I am most of the way through my course now, I hope it all will sink in and I will be able to use it to benefit other people as well as myself. I have 100% decided that when I am well enough I want to be able to use these amazing new skills to help others better themselves naturally. I know I can make myself better without shed loads of chemical drugs. I know that a good sleep or relaxation technique can make me feel better and that it can help others. I don't want to be cynical and say that some people don't want to be better that they are so they can stay on their benefits but there is a slight cynical side of me that has that belief .

On this cynical note I am going to sign off, please know that I am not this miserable and cynical person, honestly I am not :)