It's been a while I know and I'm probably talking to myself. I know that too but I am going to try and do a bit of a brief catchup with myself. I'd like to say it's time to get on with life but I honestly wish it was that simple and easy. It's not and I am very very slowly accepting that. So here in brief is the last few months that I haven't been bothered to write about. It's bloody hard this thinking malarky when you've had (time to drop the BT bomb) a brain tumour.........................
October
I got told that I wouldn't have my post op appointment until after the wedding so booked a flight to Spain, see some friends, give my girls a break from me and see how ready I could be to go back to work. I was ridiculously frightened of the flight, thoughts of my head expanding and exploding took over until vomitting with fear. My head didn't explode!!!! Sadly though a few days later after a blissful sunny walk on the seafront and sitting for two hours in the blazing sun I did have another seizure, what a bloody nightmare. I forgot my words again, this time in Spanish as well as English, that is not fun! I spent the night in a local Spanish hospital in the corridor, not quiet or comfortable. But I was less poorly than the man behind me who was very distressed. Thank goodness the releasing from hospital in Spain is quicker than the UK. At 8.30 am I was allowed to RUN out of the door, I didn't actually run but I walked really really fast. Obviously this terrified my poor friends and I was literally wrapped in cotton wool for the rest of my stay. That said I didn't have to catch the coach home as my very soon to be son in law collected me from the airport. So much for giving the girls a break, I gave them another fright instead.
My hair is falling out :(
November
It's wedding time, everything revolves around wedding preparation and it is blissfully beautiful, well apart from me having to contend with my ex husbands pain in the arse wife! I am trying to be nice but that is sometimes more difficult, I'm sure my brain has developed turrets because I regularly want to tell her to shut the fuck up - I don't, well not out loud anyway.
Soooooooooo the wedding comes by and it is truly the most beautiful wedding I have ever seen, the bride who was once my baby girl is now a princess and about to become a wife and I struggle to hold back the tears, forget hold back there's no point trying they just fall. The day is blissful, the evening is fabulous well it is until the ex husband gets drunk (again) I get the usual I love you, I always loved you blah blah blah, I'm used to that and it doesn't phase me anymore. I was however phased by the "that thing in your head is going to kill you", not a bloody chance it isn't, ooohhhhhhh I'm going to get a bit of fight back. The next comment "when I found out your were ill I was heartbroken but couldn't tell anyone", oooohhhhhhhh dear, too much drink!!!! Then the 1am sneak into my room for the kissing, used to this too, get out there are 3 children sleeping in here and your wife is 2 rooms away, leave me alone.
Now I didn't think all of this stupidity was having an effect, I was wrong but it would take me a while to realise.
I've started councelling, I hate the idea of it but the lady is lovely and I think my hour to rant and cry to a stranger is actually quite helpful, putting things into persepective is good. I like to box things in an orderly fashion and deal with them one at a time.
My hair is falling out :(
December
My post op and MRI appointment has come and I am fine, surgery was successful and I don't need radiotherapy. The tumour was the size of a small orange and took about 15 years to grow, 15 YEARS, no wonder I've been feeling ill for 5 years!!!
I should be thrilled but after 3 days I fall apart. I cancel my councelling, I cry, the nightmares have come back, I don't want to see or talk to anyone and I cry. There is a fury from the way my ex husband behaved at the wedding, I can't fight it, I am constantly seething. My hair has fallen out to the point of cutting what's left off. I've bought two wigs which look great but itch my head like crazy so I stop wearing them, it turns out the pixie look isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I cry and cry some more. I end up back in hospital with another vile dizzy spell which I thought was going to be another seizure. What is wrong with me??????? I am actually going mad.
Sooooooooooo my Dr has put me on some lovely happy pills, I hate them and I hate the thought of them but I daily want to commit murder, I daily cry, I daily have no energy and I literally can't be bothered with anything. Apparently the tablets will make me feel like crap for a couple of weeks but I feel like crap anyway so what's the difference?!
Yoga workouts are my love and nemesis, mad but true, I am desperate to get some workouts done but every time I try I get the dizzy spells again.............
Thank God for the children, my daughter and her 'husband' have gone on honeymoon and I have my grandaughter, she is my lifeline, she makes me smile and laugh and makes me get up in the mornings or she can't go to school, two weeks is tiring to look after a 9 year old when you're already fatigued and feeling like crap but she is a delight and I thank the universe for her.
By Christmas I am feeling less crap, still really really tired but less like a secret murdering bitch, maybe the happy pills are starting to work.
Christmas with my family is wonderful, I can laugh, sleep, rest, play with the kids and then laugh more. Oooohhhhhh and eat chocolate, chocolate and maybe just a bit more chocolate and a mince pie. That weight I've been shifting, may be coming back eeeekkkkkkkkk
January (the first half)
New year is pretty damn good when you're not going partying cos you can't drink and you can't stand the noise. A night in with my grandson was utterly blissful, pizza, ice cream popcorn and movies, asleep by 9.30. Wake up to see the new year in and then back to sleep. A perfect way to see a new year. Let's hope it's a bloody site better than the last years.
I'm back at councelling, it's time to accept the help I'm being offered and get over all this crap, I'm bored of it now!
So January is bringing new intentions to be kinder to myself, to be kinder to others, to not get upset over things that don't matter. Get back to studying and complete my courses to become a qualified hypnotherapist and help others to help themselves. I have really realised that is definately what I want to do. That said it is a reminder that if I don't let others help me I will not be able to help anyone. So while I'm typing there is tree cutting outside, the noise still makes me crazy so I'm burning some jasmine (probably my favourite smell at the moment) and listening to this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFGsZ6ythQQ beautiful, relaxing music.
Life is going to be OK, different but OK.
So back to the grindstone, back to studying on my new laptop which I like, it will take a little bit of getting used to but so far so good. Back to the diet :) and if I can't yoga I can hula hoop, not only can I hula but I can hula in heels, yep I have never thought I was anything but bonkers but hula hooping in heels and pyjamas is even bonkers in my estimation but my arse and legs are looking great - well they will do by Santorini in July
Happy and Healthy New Year readers. I will get back to this blog writing again and more regularly so please share if you think this page can help anyone smile or feel better about the madness in their head
EX's really are a pain in the butt aren't they!!! Keep well, how about trying Tai Chi?
ReplyDeleteHi Sandy, thanks for your comment. I have some tai chi to try but tbh I thought it was a bit boring. That's my big problem with the whole workout thing, I like something with a bit more oomph than I am able to do. I might give the tai chi another go though :)
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