The seizure bomb dropped the tumour bomb

Another day, another seizure, another night in the hospital for my lovely daughters as I frighten the living day lights out of them again!!!!

I forgot to take my tablet and it seems this really does have a ridiculous massive impact on my seizures. I was fine, I'd had a lovely day, I was very careful with myself and then I could hear the TV programme talk which sounded like deja vu (I've had that before) I thought I was maybe having the start of a dizzy spell. The next thing I know my daughter is banging on the door for me to let her in and I'm being strapped into an ambulance, I remember snap photos in between but not words. 

I want to scream what has happened to my head????? This never happened before, this was supposed to not happen again, I literally feel like I've gone mad, not just a little bit but fully properly mad, it's disheartening and worrying and makes me feel a bit sick if I'm honest. My grandchildren now have to be taught an emergency plan 'just in case', I have to carry an old peoples thing around with me as an emergency button. This might get me down for a few days but I don't want that to last, I want to get back to how I was last week when life was looking good and things were improvement. 

This happened on the evening a friend that I stopped talking to messaged me to tell me that she had some old photos of my Father and my daughters when they were children, after a series of messages she told me that she was throwing them in the bin. It really is at times like these that you really do see the selfish, nasty side of some people. The side of people that you stop hiding for the sake of friendship. I hadn't realised before all of this rubbish that I had a few friends who I shouldn't have bothered with, the brain tumour bomb is the perfect tool to get rid of them.

So after spending yesterday in my warm cosy, fleecy bedding, today it's time to move. Get dressed be a person again. Also hunt for the earring that I've lost during the seizure that contains my fathers ashes, I could cry for the loss of that earring. It's a thing I know and I'm not materialistic but it's a precious thing that I truly love. 

OK, deep breath and get back to life (easier said than done but I need to do my best rock it like a rockstar)

Lets get some brain work done

I know that a lot of friends who have this same brain tumour thing have similar things (I don't want to call them problems) as me with memory, concentration, tiredness and memory (did I already say that) and word/speech processing. I have days where I feel like I'm an old woman because I can't speak properly, I can't remember things or words and all I want to do is sleep. Soooooooooo what can be done naturally to improve this? 

Brain training, there are a few apps that are great for the brain training exercises, I do find them tiring though but as usual this could be my trying to overuse myself, my body and my brain. I've heard great things about them though so will keep trying. It's either that or solitaire, hmmmmmm the brain training apps are obviously going to be my choice

Music, once again there is the binary music, I love this and use it just about every day to read, study, rest and sleep. There are so many different sources on youtube to choose from I use this one (link below) just about every day when I'm reading, writing and studying. Honestly I don't know if it's actually helping my brain but I like the quiet playing in the background so it's staying
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUnU07e81GA&t=70s

I've mentioned this before but I think it's worth another mention and that is aromatherapy, been around for hundreds of years and whether you believe in it's worth or not it mostly smells beautiful so even for that reason it's worth giving a go. 

Frankinsense

• Helps control stress and negative emotions
• Boosts the immune system
• A great sleep aid
• A brain booster

Rosemary

• An aid to clear neural fatigue (ooohhhhh anyone who has the  brain tumour bomb needs rosemary in their life)
• Banish brain fog
• Memory booster
• Supposedly the ultimate 'go to' brain booster

Peppermint

• Relives tension and headaches
• Stimulating the mind so assisting focus

Jasmine

• In my opinion much better than lavendar for relaxation and stress
• Considered by some to be as potent as valium
• Stress reducer and depression fighter
• Helps to battle low energy
• A great sleep aid

Spanish Sage (also known as salvia)

• It has been shown to improve memory and focus in alzheimers patients
• Can be wafted as an oil or used as a herbal tea, again has been shown to be as effective as caffeine (I do (when I remember) drink the tea with a slice of lemon)

So how about foods to boost the old grey cells? Here we go again, I am not a nutritionist in any way, shape or form but this stuff fascinates me so I read and read to get my head around what foods are good for me, my (currently shrinking, thanks to slimming world) body and my overworked brain. 

Olive oil     Rich in polyphenols, which are powerful brain protective antioxidants

Coconut oil     Enhances the ability of the brain’s neurons to use energy while at the same time reducing the production of damaging free radicals. Provides saturated fat — a vital nutrient for the integrity and function of brain cell membranes.

Wild salmon     A terrific natural source of the omega-3 oil DHA. DHA plays a pivotal role in maintaining the health of brain cells and actually helps to stimulate the growth of brain cells in the brain’s memory center.

Blueberries     Power-packed with brain-protective antioxidants. Blueberries also help to reduce inflammation, a cornerstone of virtually all brain degenerative disorders.

Turmeric     Acts to turn on the parts of our DNA that help reduce inflammation. The important role of turmeric in brain health has been described in the Vedic texts dating back more than 3,000 years.

Eggs     Rich in choline, the precursor chemical for acetylcholine, one of the most fundamental neurotransmitters. In addition, eggs contain cholesterol, an important component of brain cell membranes as well as serving as a brain-protective antioxidant.

Walnuts     Rich in a variety of nutrients to support brain health including vitamin E, omega-3 fats, copper, manganese, and fiber for brain supportive gut bacteria.

Exercise     I had to put it on the list. Call it a “food for the soul” if you like. Aerobic exercise turns on the genes that make BDNF (a growth and protective hormone) that targets brain cells.

Asparagus     Rich in prebiotic fiber to support brain-healthy gut bacteria. Asparagus is high in anti-inflammatory nutrients and folate.

Kale     A great low-carb vegetable that’s rich in vitamins C, K, and A, as well as potassium and iron.

Broccoli     High in sulfurophane, a chemical that aids in detoxification, reduction of inflammation, and control of damaging free radicals.

Avocado     High in monounsaturated fats to protect brain cells. Avocado oil has been shown to help maintain healthy blood pressure levels.

Red wine     Rich in polyphenols that may actually boost brain blood flow.

Dark chocolate     Like red wine, also rich in polyphenols.

Spinach     Rich in brain-protective antioxidants along with vitamin K, folate, and lutein.

Almonds     Like fatty fish, almonds have high levels of brain-healthy omega-3 fatty acids and lots of brain-protecting vitamin E.

Pumpkin seeds     A rich source of zinc, a mineral that plays an important role in memory and overall brain function.

Maca      A relative of the radish and tastes similar to butterscotch. It's root is used to make medicine. People take maca by mouth for "tired blood" (anemia); chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS); and enhancing energy, stamina, athletic performance, and memory.

Most of the food information sourced from https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-21756/20-foods-to-naturally-increase-your-brain-power.html

So it seems to me that information on moods, brain power, weight loss and blah blah blah is all very similar, eat healthier natural foods, get some salmon that seems to be good for everything and blueberries, Hmmmmmm what a combo :)

Water, I know that most days I don't drink enough water and I know that at the times when I do keep myself hydrated I feel better, brighter, healthier and go for a pee every half an hour (not such a great effect), so I did some reading as to how being rehydrated really does effect my brain function. Apparently this really is the case, hydrating with water allows the brain to function at optimal levels, everything communicates more efficiently and so this helps every part of the body to function better, memory, concentration, energy and alertness. So I will put up with the regular running to the loo while crossing my legs, not the best of looks but at least I can think better :)

Soooooooo this is me for another week. I am loving getting back to my writing, reading, studying and learning. I'm feeling brighter and better about what's happened and what's going to come in the future. Thanks Fearne Cotton for your beautiful diary (a gift to myself not from Fearne herself) I literally love this diary as a daily way of keeping everything in one place. Things have been pretty crappy but they are looking up. Every day I count myself lucky to be alive and surrounded by the most amazing people who have done everything to keep me in this one, little bit crazy piece. My final words for this week are to my amazing grandchildren, these kids are awesome and I utterly adore them, they keep me laughing on the days that I feel like crying, they let me sleep on the days that I can't move. They ask the questions that no-one else is brave enough to, having a 7 year old want a full explanation of having brain surgery and then rubbing his fingers on every part of the scar is incredible. If you are reading this and don't have grandchildren yet, it is an amazing thing. If you're not getting some, borrow someones elses (not steal them of course, that would get you into trouble) but get in there with the kids, play lego, eat ice cream, play on the swings (not the trampoline, the poorly head doesn't like it as much of the rest of the body loves and jump on the trampoline) and laugh like a child over the silliest things, it's a truly awesome way to spend time.

Find serotonin, relax and be happy

The power of meditation and breath allows you to come back to you, to drop into your heart, be in your body, and know you can do it. 
You can feel and live a life of love and purpose - change can be graceful and peaceful, let it Be you. 

Let your body melt into the white light that you are, breath, let go, & know you are safe.

You are Love
You are Grounded
You are Light 
The words of Arianna Auron

I am doing my best this week to practise what I preach by doing an almost daily meditation session which I've recorded myself, yep I can make myself go to sleep with my own voice. Fancy trying one of my sessions for free then just drop me a message I'd be thrilled for you to be a guinea pig. I intend by next month to be a fully qualified hypnotherapist and then will set up my facebook page and website, this is an exciting new time for me.

Now I know the happy pills have cheered me up and stopped me stressing about stuff but there has to be a better way than chemicals to increase serotonin (the happy hormone) levels. Serotonin  is a chemical messenger that’s believed to act as a mood stabiliser. It’s said to help produce healthy sleeping patterns as well as boost your mood. Studies show that serotonin levels can have an effect on mood and behaviour, and the chemical is commonly linked to feeling good. Food and diet is obviously a massive factor again, reduce refined sugar and processed foods, they seem to be the devil incarnate in every piece of nutritional and health advice there is, it's everywhere in everything you see, read and hear from every form of media, birds eye must be pissed off with it!!!

So where can I get a serotonin boost from that isn't chemical?

Serotonin and your diet: Does it work?

The common belief is that by eating foods high in tryptophan, you can boost your serotonin levels. But is this true?

Serotonin isn’t found in foods, but tryptophan is. Foods high in protein, iron, riboflavin, and vitamin B-6 all tend to contain large amounts of this amino acid. While high-tryptophan foods won’t boost serotonin on their own, there’s one possible cheat to this system: carbs.

Carbs cause the body to release more insulin, which promotes amino acid absorption and leaves tryptophan in the blood. If you mix high-tryptophan foods with carbs, you might get a serotonin boost.

The tryptophan you find in food has to compete with other amino acids to be absorbed into the brain, so it’s unlikely to have much of an effect on your serotonin levels. This differs from tryptophan supplements, which contain purified tryptophan and do have an effect on serotonin levels.

While they can’t compete with supplements — which you should not be taking without approval from your doctor — the foods listed contain high amounts of tryptophan. Your best chance at achieving a serotonin boost without using supplements is to eat them often, with a serving of healthy carbohydrates, like rice, oats, or whole-grain bread.

7 Serotonin boosting foods

• Eggs, the protein in eggs can significantly boost your blood plasma levels of tryptophan Pro cooking tip: Don’t leave out the yolks! They’re extremely rich in tryptophan and tyrosine, choline, biotin, omega 3 fatty acids, and other nutrients that are major contributors to the health benefits and antidioxidant properties of eggs. (who knew?!)
• Cheese is another great source of tryptophan - often thought of as a high in fat and has the same effect on your mood as chocolate, it's also believed to be one of the top 2 most loved foods with it's brother chocolate.
• Pineapples are a major source of bromelain, a protein that can reduce the side effects of chemotherapy as well as help suppress coughs, according to some research.
• Tofu, soy products are rich sources of tryptophan. You can substitute tofu for pretty much any protein, in pretty much any recipe, making it an excellent source of tryptophan for vegetarians and vegans. Some tofu is calcium-set, which provides a great calcium boost.
• Salmon. It’s hard to go wrong with salmon, which — as you may have guessed — is also rich in tryptophan. Salmon also has other nutritional benefits like helping balance cholosterol, lowering blood pressure, and being a source of omega-3 fatty acids.
• Turkey is essentially stuffed tryptophan
• Nuts & seeds Pick and choose your favourites, because all nuts and seeds contain tryptophan. Studies show that eating a handful of nuts a day can lower your risk for cancer, heart disease, and respiratory problems. They’re also good sources of fibre, vitamins, and antioxidants.
• Food and supplements aren't the only ways to boost serotonin levels
• Exercise : Research has shown that regular exercise can have antidepressant effects.
• Sunshine : Light therapy is a common remedy for seasonal depression. Research shows a clear relationship between being exposed to bright light and serotonin levels. To get better sleep or to boost your mood.
• Positivity ;  Research shows that facing daily life and your interactions with others with a positive outlook can significantly boost your serotonin levels. 
• Information sourced from https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sleep/foods-that-could-boost-your-serotonin#alternatives
• Spend some relaxing time listening to this youtube video below, either for a night sleep aid or an afternoon nap or even chill out time with a good book. It has been shown that listening to a meditation or relaxation music daily for 4 weeks can have an amazing effect on your mood - I personally listen to this every night when I go to bed https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFGsZ6ythQQ

• • Ar
  • 
    
  • 
    
  • 
    
  • 
    
  • 
    
  • 
    
  • 
    
  • 
    
  • 
    
  • 
    

  
  

  
  

  Email this page

  Your full nameYour emailRecipient’s email
  

  Your privacy is important to us. Any information you provide to us via this website may be placed by us on servers located in countries outside of the EU. If you do not agree to such placement, do not provide the inform

  
  

  How helpful was it?

  
  

  
  

  How can we improve it?

Swap cous cous for quinoa and slippers for heels

Really am I so vain that I now spend my days (at home) in heels rather than slippers? Yes it's true, not just for vanity although they do look super sexy in pyjamas but also to work at my feet, legs and arse. My feet have been spreading from not wearing proper shoes, so like a bound up Japanese geisha my feet are forced into heels for a few hours a day.

Am I so vain that even though I don't hate the pixie look, I do hate the sagging cheeks and 15 chins (I haven't really got 15 chins but I don't want them either), so a daily face yoga stretching session is in order? Yes I am, my face can't be covered by a fringe or floppy hair anymore, everything is on show so yes I am doing a daily face yoga/stretch to regain my youthful glow. Is it working? Not a bloody clue but it's making me feel like I'm doing something helpful for myself :) Now with this in mind my daughters friend saw me and thought I'd gone for a new look and loved it, maybe I am harder on myself than I should be.

I am super slimming too, every day sees my diary of food, syns, calories, fat & sugar content blah blah blah. I might not have mentioned this before but I am going to Santorini for a girls weekend with my amazing girls and they look better than me, I know I know I'm their mother, they are supposed to look better than me but I can try and send a few pounds and years packing. Sooooooooo I might still not be able to yoga, pilate and squat but I can slendertone and hula hoop, so slendertone and hula hoop I shall and laugh about it I shall too :)

This weeks lesson to myself - Smile, even on the days where I feel like rubbish, the more I smile at other people the more they smile back to me and the less rubbish I feel. Just keep smiling, the worst that can happen is someone thinks I'm mad - if only they could see inside my head!!!

I'm back to reading and not just about myself, I'm reading Davina (yes it's true I am a Davina McCall fan) and I love her life lessons. I'm also reading the Trump book, woah I think that head is worse than mine, lessons from that - shut up!!

The weekly headaches are still here and so are the dizzy spells where I can't remember if I've just told you my name but I can remember that I am allergic to kiwi fruit and pineapple even if I can't remember that I'm allergic to morphine and codeine - how this strange head works. I'm wondering if it was always this strange I just never really noticed before. I'm pretty sure that there are many who know me that would say that statement is a true one. 

Kindness is one of my intentions for this year, I know that one of my 'things' is to be hard on other people and not always the most patient. This week I have bought hot food and drinks for two homeless women, is that kindness? I'm not sure if it was for them or my my own satisfaction. I know they appreciated it but all the same I sometimes wonder if that random act of kindness is as much for my self worth as those on the receiving end. I suspect probably both but I feel like being kind to a stranger is helping me at the same time as them, i gives me a warm self satifying feel as they enjoy a hot drink and meal.

I count myself incredibly lucky that I have a kind and caring relationship with my family and my grandchildren, to spend time knitting, watching a dance show and playing scrabble with my grand daughter might sound old ladyish but to me it is utter bliss, a wonderful relationship that will mean we both age with special memories of each other.

So on this note for another week Amos, you will not beat me. 

New Year, new beginnings and a new laptop..........

It's been a while I know and I'm probably talking to myself. I know that too but I am going to try and do a bit of a brief catchup with myself. I'd like to say it's time to get on with life but I honestly wish it was that simple and easy. It's not and I am very very slowly accepting that. So here in brief is the last few months that I haven't been bothered to write about. It's bloody hard this thinking malarky when you've had (time to drop the BT bomb) a brain tumour.........................

October
I got told that I wouldn't have my post op appointment until after the wedding so booked a flight to Spain, see some friends, give my girls a break from me and see how ready I could be to go back to work. I was ridiculously frightened of the flight, thoughts of my head expanding and exploding took over until vomitting with fear. My head didn't explode!!!! Sadly though a few days later after a blissful sunny walk on the seafront and sitting for two hours in the blazing sun I did have another seizure, what a bloody nightmare. I forgot my words again, this time in Spanish as well as English, that is not fun! I spent the night in a local Spanish hospital in the corridor, not quiet or comfortable. But I was less poorly than the man behind me who was very distressed. Thank goodness the releasing from hospital in Spain is quicker than the UK. At 8.30 am I was allowed to RUN out of the door, I didn't actually run but I walked really really fast. Obviously this terrified my poor friends and I was literally wrapped in cotton wool for the rest of my stay. That said I didn't have to catch the coach home as my very soon to be son in law collected me from the airport. So much for giving the girls a break, I gave them another fright instead.
My hair is falling out :(

November
It's wedding time, everything revolves around wedding preparation and it is blissfully beautiful, well apart from me having to contend with my ex husbands pain in the arse wife! I am trying to be nice but that is sometimes more difficult, I'm sure my brain has developed turrets because I regularly want to tell her to shut the fuck up - I don't, well not out loud anyway.
Soooooooooo the wedding comes by and it is truly the most beautiful wedding I have ever seen, the bride who was once my baby girl is now a princess and about to become a wife and I struggle to hold back the tears, forget hold back there's no point trying they just fall. The day is blissful, the evening is fabulous well it is until the ex husband gets drunk (again) I get the usual I love you, I always loved you blah blah blah, I'm used to that and it doesn't phase me anymore. I was however phased by the "that thing in your head is going to kill you", not a bloody chance it isn't, ooohhhhhhh I'm going to get a bit of fight back. The next comment "when I found out your were ill I was heartbroken but couldn't tell anyone", oooohhhhhhhh dear, too much drink!!!! Then the 1am sneak into my room for the kissing, used to this too, get out there are 3 children sleeping in here and your wife is 2 rooms away, leave me alone.
Now I didn't think all of this stupidity was having an effect, I was wrong but it would take me a while to realise.
I've started councelling, I hate the idea of it but the lady is lovely and I think my hour to rant and cry to a stranger is actually quite helpful, putting things into persepective is good. I like to box things in an orderly fashion and deal with them one at a time.
My hair is falling out :(

December
My post op and MRI appointment has come and I am fine, surgery was successful and I don't need radiotherapy. The tumour was the size of a small orange and took about 15 years to grow, 15 YEARS, no wonder I've been feeling ill for 5 years!!!
I should be thrilled but after 3 days I fall apart. I cancel my councelling, I cry, the nightmares have come back, I don't want to see or talk to anyone and I cry. There is a fury from the way my ex husband behaved at the wedding, I can't fight it, I am constantly seething. My hair has fallen out to the point of cutting what's left off. I've bought two wigs which look great but itch my head like crazy so I stop wearing them, it turns out the pixie look isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I cry and cry some more. I end up back in hospital with another vile dizzy spell which I thought was going to be another seizure. What is wrong with me??????? I am actually going mad.
Sooooooooooo my Dr has put me on some lovely happy pills, I hate them and I hate the thought of them but I daily want to commit murder, I daily cry, I daily have no energy and I literally can't be bothered with anything. Apparently the tablets will make me feel like crap for a couple of weeks but I feel like crap anyway so what's the difference?!
Yoga workouts are my love and nemesis, mad but true, I am desperate to get some workouts done but every time I try I get the dizzy spells again.............
Thank God for the children, my daughter and her 'husband' have gone on honeymoon and I have my grandaughter, she is my lifeline, she makes me smile and laugh and makes me get up in the mornings or she can't go to school, two weeks is tiring to look after a 9 year old when you're already fatigued and feeling like crap but she is a delight and I thank the universe for her.
By Christmas I am feeling less crap, still really really tired but less like a secret murdering bitch, maybe the happy pills are starting to work.
Christmas with my family is wonderful, I can laugh, sleep, rest, play with the kids and then laugh more. Oooohhhhhh and eat chocolate, chocolate and maybe just a bit more chocolate and a mince pie. That weight I've been shifting, may be coming back eeeekkkkkkkkk  

January (the first half)
New year is pretty damn good when you're not going partying cos you can't drink and you can't stand the noise. A night in with my grandson was utterly blissful, pizza, ice cream popcorn and movies, asleep by 9.30. Wake up to see the new year in and then back to sleep. A perfect way to see a new year. Let's hope it's a bloody site better than the last years.
I'm back at councelling, it's time to accept the help I'm being offered and get over all this crap, I'm bored of it now! 

So January is bringing new intentions to be kinder to myself, to be kinder to others, to not get upset over things that don't matter. Get back to studying and complete my courses to become a qualified hypnotherapist and help others to help themselves. I have really realised that is definately what I want to do. That said it is a reminder that if I don't let others help me I will not be able to help anyone. So while I'm typing there is tree cutting outside, the noise still makes me crazy so I'm burning some jasmine (probably my favourite smell at the moment) and listening to this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFGsZ6ythQQ beautiful, relaxing music.

Life is going to be OK, different but OK. 

So back to the grindstone, back to studying on my new laptop which I like, it will take a little bit of getting used to but so far so good. Back to the diet :) and if I can't yoga I can hula hoop, not only can I hula but I can hula in heels, yep I have never thought I was anything but bonkers but hula hooping in heels and pyjamas is even bonkers in my estimation but my arse and legs are looking great - well they will do by Santorini in July

Happy and Healthy New Year readers. I will get back to this blog writing again and more regularly so please share if you think this page can help anyone smile or feel better about the madness in their head

Should I get some help?

I have an amazing group of friends and family but I know there are some things that I want to scream about that I can't say in front of them. There are the 'will I ever feel normal' questions that I must be driving them even more mad than I am that I need to ask and I want answered. I've been offered counselling, I have never wanted, asked for or had counselling and I don't know if I like the idea of having a stranger tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. Most people who know me know that I am terrible at being told what to do, I don't like it, I don't take well to it and then I rebel against it. Maybe then a bit of rebellion would do me good, make me feel normal again.

Following the head pain incident I'm coping well with that but my next issue will be radiotherapy, I know I will have to have some and I am terrified about it. I made the ridiculous mistake of reading an online article of radiotherapy and it's symptoms. Nausea, tiredness, hair loss. Bloody marvellous, so it seems that just as I will really will start to feel better I'll feel crap again, just as I can get to do some yoga without being scared that my damaged brain won't wobble around in my head I will have a vile drug put into my body to make me feel even worse. I have taken this into some control though and asked for it to be given after my daughters wedding, I don't want to be the sick looking and feeling mother of the bride, I want to be THE mother of the bride, looking and feeling amazing.

I have been putting life on hold for 3 months now and have been told to stop, so I've got a few things organised, visiting friends, going to the theatre, shopping and catching the train to visit more friends. It feels wonderful but I can't share the fear with anyone, what if I have a seizure on the train? What If I'm on my own and get sick or dizzy or confused?????? My life and head feels like a huge what if, I really don't know how to deal with this and don't know if blubbering it all to a stranger will make me feel any better. Looking forward to the theatre though :) It's also time to shift the weight gain put on thanks to bloody steroids, vile medication that makes you feel disgusting, not sleep, loss of eyesight and ravenous hunger. So fat club has me as a new member, lovely people and a great system to keep you on track to shift your excess fat, my question is though is how is it that the woman running this club and has been for 14 years is the fattest in the room? I know that's me being nasty but it is a valid question in my head.

Study time again, OMG I have a study book that is enormous, how am I going to remember any of this stuff? Do I really need to know the anatomy of the human body to recommend a good herb or essential oil for a good healing? Apparently so, who knew? So I'm trying to give myself some sort of schedule to yoga, study, walk and knit the scarves and hats for the homeless women of where I live, yes that is how my boredom took hold, knit, knit and knit some more, it's either that or facebook and TBH I am sick of facebook and the bloody rubbish that goes onto it.

So life ATM is sadly not normal and doesn't look like it will be for a while BUT, it will be normal again sometime just not soon. Might as well get reading and knitting again :)

After typing this I have gone back to some meditation and music study, it's been amazing that the part I'm on is literally about how music therapy is helpful to aid neurological and brain damage, it's helpful in the healing and relaxing process. Thank goodness for the Tibetan bowls, Gabrielle Aplin and Jasmine Thompson, my saviours

“We do so much, we run so quickly, the situation is difficult, and many people say, "Don't just sit there, do something." But doing more things may make the situation worse. So you should say, "Don't just do something, sit there." Sit there, stop, be yourself first, and begin from there.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

A pain in my head

OK so to wake up with a pain that is like a bee sting is a damn pain in the head (obviously I would usually say arse but that is def the wrong place!) This is right on the scar, WTF is that all about? Well I shall tell you.When you get cut you cause damage to your nerve endings, you know that yes? Well what you may or may not know is that in your head you have micro nerve endings, thousands of them, who knew? I DID NOT, I also DID NOT know that these micro nerve endings bloody hurt when they start knitting themselves back together to heal, they are literally like bee stings and can last anything from 6 months to 2 years. FFS cos I haven't suffered enough with seizures, having my head cut open, sight loss, memory loss, ear infections, lack of sleep, ridiculous medication, not allowed to work, travel or drive, lets have just a bit more bloody pain!!!!!!

TBH I did go into panic mode until I knew what it was, once I know what causes the pain I can relax and know that I'm not involuntarily reopening and letting everything inside my head fall out, urgh what a foul thought. I was offered some horribly strong pain killers that have disgusting side effects, they were declined, I'll stick to paracetamol, a nice cuppa and some sleep it off time.

The ravenousness of the steroids have made me gain half a stone OMG I am going to be the mother of the bride in November wearing a tent, so the time has come to go to slimming world, yes that's right I have joined a fat club (hehehehe) TBH despite the franticness of the start of the class I will stick to it, I have weight to lose and a stunning size 12 mother of the bride dress to fit into. I am half a stone heavier than I was before Amos was discovered so thats it's got to come off so salad and yoga along with my 10,000 steps a day is it. I haven't got time to be ill.

Meditation has been a bit of a life saver, I am loving reading and studying. I am most of the way through my course now, I hope it all will sink in and I will be able to use it to benefit other people as well as myself. I have 100% decided that when I am well enough I want to be able to use these amazing new skills to help others better themselves naturally. I know I can make myself better without shed loads of chemical drugs. I know that a good sleep or relaxation technique can make me feel better and that it can help others. I don't want to be cynical and say that some people don't want to be better that they are so they can stay on their benefits but there is a slight cynical side of me that has that belief .

On this cynical note I am going to sign off, please know that I am not this miserable and cynical person, honestly I am not :)