Well it's hit me, the dreaded lurgy that comes around to get us all at this time of year. I hoped I'd manage to escape it but as my throat hurts along with my head and I have the delightful cough of a dog there was no escaping it. I will try to escape the chemical meds and antibiotics though and hope that paracetamol with hot honey and lemon will take care of it.
This is the time of year that we see the NHS being slated by the press and this is what I find so horribly upsetting. Our NHS is without doubt incredible and that is the reason it is abused by so many other parts of the world, the free health care that we give to thousands on a daily basis is a massive part of what's breaking it, the fact that our front of house staff don't take the details of the people we are treating so that the money for their treatment isn't claimed from their own countries. Having lived overseas I know that if I turn up to a Greek, Spanish, German or French hospital without my EHIC card and passport I will either be not treated and turned away or treated and given a bill on my departure and this I expect and accept which is why I travel with health insurance. I don't have the full figures, and this morning I don't have the energy to google them but we must be owed billions every year by numerous countries for the free health care that we give, surely this needs to be done to help save our wonderful NHS and surely this needs to be done soon before it collapses and we lose it altogether. On this note I also want to mention the care given by our staff, having been in a few times this last 6 months I can honestly say that I have met some of the most incredible people who have given me the most incredible care under their most difficult working circumstances, I have laughed until I cried with some of these staff and for that I will never be able to show them the gratitude that they deserve.
This last week definately wasn't a good slimming world week while I chomped away on popcorn, ice cream, crisps and biscuits with the kids on school holidays but boy oh boy it was bloody lovely :) I have absolutely turned into an old lady while I think the best way to spend an evening is tucked up under a fleece blanket watching a film, star wars with him, musicals with her and eating our way through tubs of ice cream and popcorn at the same time. Every now and again the thought pops into my poorly head that thank God I'm alive to enjoy this and I wipe away a tear. I'm tired of being scared, I'm tired of my friends and family being scared but I don't know what to do to stop it, the happy pills stop the worry but they obviously don't stop the seizures, I am in the thought space now that the time in between the seizures I just have to enjoy and then when they happen take the rest time to get over them and start again.
My hair is growing back hurrah, it's a bloody mess, looks like a mop but it seems to be thicker than ever and even got a bit of a spring to it, so even if there is a fair amount of grey there is a fair amount of hair. I literally have no idea where to go with it, it's still too short to style but getting more and more every week. That along with the rest of the hair on my body, I've never had to shave so regularly :) I'm guessing this is due to the sea kelp and the silica , the silica is also meant to be good for skin, nails and bones so I'm sticking with it. This is a great place to read up on silica and it's uses and benefits https://blog.viviscal.com/power-of-silica-for-hair-growth-the-complete-guide/
After the seizure of a couple of weeks ago I never did find that earring but I am having to buy an oysta pearl https://oystatechnology.co.uk/ this is going to give me back a little bit more independence, it means that in the event of an emergency I don't have to try and use my mobile (impossible) but just press a button to get help and with it's gps it means I can be easily found. I will definately feel like an old lady with that hanging around my neck but a safer old lady that won't be left abandoned without help if I do have a seizure on my own, what a bloody pain eh!!! Oh and finally my car is being sold, I have finally come to the realisation that I definately won't be back behind the wheel anytime soon so it might as well get the money in the bank instead, thank goodness for my free bus pass hahaha
Monday, 19 February 2018
Monday, 12 February 2018
Are we scrambling our brains with technology?
Technology is taking over our lives and squashing our brains.
Massively on the media atm is how technology has taken us over. We walk into a room and at least 50% of people are head down on mobiles. Walk down a road (pavement) and at least 50% of people have headphones in. No more social skills, no more conversation and meddled brains. Surely this isn't good for us. I went to see the brilliant John Bishop a few months ago and even he talked about dating sites and how even meeting new potential partners isn't just chatting to someone you haven't met before because they seem or look nice, we'd rather swipe because we like or don't like their profile. What a very sad state of life.
Since all this started I have developed a fear of using my mobile on the left side of my head 'just in case' I know this is ridiculous, but is it really?
The world health organisation have suggested that there is the possibility of radiation from mobile phones can contribute to an increased risk of brain cancer from long term or heavy use - I knew I didn't like the feeling of my mobile phone being next to my head, this makes me feel slightly less mad about using a headset and microphone.
I've known for years that spending too much time on the computer, tablet or mobile makes my eyes tired and sore and for years my eyesight has been getting worse but I can't stop reading my mobile, working on my laptop, watching netflix or reading a book on my kindle. I'm told that the 20/20/20 rule is good for me and that is every 20 minutes starting at a screen, have a 20 second break by looking at something 20 feet away, this should relax my eyes but I'm not really sure that it will make a massive difference to the damage I know I'm doing. As I'm writing this on my laptop I know I should give my eyes a break and make a cuppa seeing as I've already studying for 2 hours on the same laptop!
I worry about my grandchildren and their generation who don't play anymore, they would prefer to play a computer game than climb a tree, they don't want to take part in competitive sports but happily play a game with a group of strangers all over the world. I also worry that if my eyesight and possible brain cancer increasing dangers at my age with only 20 years of technology that means the younger generation are likely to see these results at a frighteningly young age.
I genuinely don't know how we change this, none of us want to give up our mobiles or kindles, our employers certainly won't go back to notebooks and faxes so what do we do? I don't know but I know I will be sticking to using my mobile with my headphones and microphone, even if I do look a bit bonkers, I also won't be putting my mobile down my bra (instead of a pocket) anymore, who knows what it's radiation is doing to my boobs?!
Massively on the media atm is how technology has taken us over. We walk into a room and at least 50% of people are head down on mobiles. Walk down a road (pavement) and at least 50% of people have headphones in. No more social skills, no more conversation and meddled brains. Surely this isn't good for us. I went to see the brilliant John Bishop a few months ago and even he talked about dating sites and how even meeting new potential partners isn't just chatting to someone you haven't met before because they seem or look nice, we'd rather swipe because we like or don't like their profile. What a very sad state of life.
Since all this started I have developed a fear of using my mobile on the left side of my head 'just in case' I know this is ridiculous, but is it really?
The world health organisation have suggested that there is the possibility of radiation from mobile phones can contribute to an increased risk of brain cancer from long term or heavy use - I knew I didn't like the feeling of my mobile phone being next to my head, this makes me feel slightly less mad about using a headset and microphone.
I've known for years that spending too much time on the computer, tablet or mobile makes my eyes tired and sore and for years my eyesight has been getting worse but I can't stop reading my mobile, working on my laptop, watching netflix or reading a book on my kindle. I'm told that the 20/20/20 rule is good for me and that is every 20 minutes starting at a screen, have a 20 second break by looking at something 20 feet away, this should relax my eyes but I'm not really sure that it will make a massive difference to the damage I know I'm doing. As I'm writing this on my laptop I know I should give my eyes a break and make a cuppa seeing as I've already studying for 2 hours on the same laptop!
I worry about my grandchildren and their generation who don't play anymore, they would prefer to play a computer game than climb a tree, they don't want to take part in competitive sports but happily play a game with a group of strangers all over the world. I also worry that if my eyesight and possible brain cancer increasing dangers at my age with only 20 years of technology that means the younger generation are likely to see these results at a frighteningly young age.
I genuinely don't know how we change this, none of us want to give up our mobiles or kindles, our employers certainly won't go back to notebooks and faxes so what do we do? I don't know but I know I will be sticking to using my mobile with my headphones and microphone, even if I do look a bit bonkers, I also won't be putting my mobile down my bra (instead of a pocket) anymore, who knows what it's radiation is doing to my boobs?!
Wednesday, 7 February 2018
The seizure bomb dropped the tumour bomb
Another day, another seizure, another night in the hospital for my lovely daughters as I frighten the living day lights out of them again!!!!
I forgot to take my tablet and it seems this really does have a ridiculous massive impact on my seizures. I was fine, I'd had a lovely day, I was very careful with myself and then I could hear the TV programme talk which sounded like deja vu (I've had that before) I thought I was maybe having the start of a dizzy spell. The next thing I know my daughter is banging on the door for me to let her in and I'm being strapped into an ambulance, I remember snap photos in between but not words.
I want to scream what has happened to my head????? This never happened before, this was supposed to not happen again, I literally feel like I've gone mad, not just a little bit but fully properly mad, it's disheartening and worrying and makes me feel a bit sick if I'm honest. My grandchildren now have to be taught an emergency plan 'just in case', I have to carry an old peoples thing around with me as an emergency button. This might get me down for a few days but I don't want that to last, I want to get back to how I was last week when life was looking good and things were improvement.
This happened on the evening a friend that I stopped talking to messaged me to tell me that she had some old photos of my Father and my daughters when they were children, after a series of messages she told me that she was throwing them in the bin. It really is at times like these that you really do see the selfish, nasty side of some people. The side of people that you stop hiding for the sake of friendship. I hadn't realised before all of this rubbish that I had a few friends who I shouldn't have bothered with, the brain tumour bomb is the perfect tool to get rid of them.
So after spending yesterday in my warm cosy, fleecy bedding, today it's time to move. Get dressed be a person again. Also hunt for the earring that I've lost during the seizure that contains my fathers ashes, I could cry for the loss of that earring. It's a thing I know and I'm not materialistic but it's a precious thing that I truly love.
OK, deep breath and get back to life (easier said than done but I need to do my best rock it like a rockstar)
Monday, 5 February 2018
Lets get some brain work done
I know that a lot of friends who have this same brain tumour thing have similar things (I don't want to call them problems) as me with memory, concentration, tiredness and memory (did I already say that) and word/speech processing. I have days where I feel like I'm an old woman because I can't speak properly, I can't remember things or words and all I want to do is sleep. Soooooooooo what can be done naturally to improve this?
Brain training, there are a few apps that are great for the brain training exercises, I do find them tiring though but as usual this could be my trying to overuse myself, my body and my brain. I've heard great things about them though so will keep trying. It's either that or solitaire, hmmmmmm the brain training apps are obviously going to be my choice
Music, once again there is the binary music, I love this and use it just about every day to read, study, rest and sleep. There are so many different sources on youtube to choose from I use this one (link below) just about every day when I'm reading, writing and studying. Honestly I don't know if it's actually helping my brain but I like the quiet playing in the background so it's staying
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUnU07e81GA&t=70s
I've mentioned this before but I think it's worth another mention and that is aromatherapy, been around for hundreds of years and whether you believe in it's worth or not it mostly smells beautiful so even for that reason it's worth giving a go.
Frankinsense
Peppermint
Brain training, there are a few apps that are great for the brain training exercises, I do find them tiring though but as usual this could be my trying to overuse myself, my body and my brain. I've heard great things about them though so will keep trying. It's either that or solitaire, hmmmmmm the brain training apps are obviously going to be my choice
Music, once again there is the binary music, I love this and use it just about every day to read, study, rest and sleep. There are so many different sources on youtube to choose from I use this one (link below) just about every day when I'm reading, writing and studying. Honestly I don't know if it's actually helping my brain but I like the quiet playing in the background so it's staying
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUnU07e81GA&t=70s
I've mentioned this before but I think it's worth another mention and that is aromatherapy, been around for hundreds of years and whether you believe in it's worth or not it mostly smells beautiful so even for that reason it's worth giving a go.
Frankinsense
- Helps control stress and negative emotions
- Boosts the immune system
- A great sleep aid
- A brain booster
- An aid to clear neural fatigue (ooohhhhh anyone who has the brain tumour bomb needs rosemary in their life)
- Banish brain fog
- Memory booster
- Supposedly the ultimate 'go to' brain booster
Peppermint
- Relives tension and headaches
- Stimulating the mind so assisting focus
Jasmine
- In my opinion much better than lavendar for relaxation and stress
- Considered by some to be as potent as valium
- Stress reducer and depression fighter
- Helps to battle low energy
- A great sleep aid
- It has been shown to improve memory and focus in alzheimers patients
- Can be wafted as an oil or used as a herbal tea, again has been shown to be as effective as caffeine (I do (when I remember) drink the tea with a slice of lemon)
So how about foods to boost the old grey cells? Here we go again, I am not a nutritionist in any way, shape or form but this stuff fascinates me so I read and read to get my head around what foods are good for me, my (currently shrinking, thanks to slimming world) body and my overworked brain.
Olive oil Rich in polyphenols, which are powerful brain protective antioxidants
Coconut oil Enhances the ability of the brain’s neurons to use energy while at the same time reducing the production of damaging free radicals. Provides saturated fat — a vital nutrient for the integrity and function of brain cell membranes.
Wild salmon A terrific natural source of the omega-3 oil DHA. DHA plays a pivotal role in maintaining the health of brain cells and actually helps to stimulate the growth of brain cells in the brain’s memory center.
Blueberries Power-packed with brain-protective antioxidants. Blueberries also help to reduce inflammation, a cornerstone of virtually all brain degenerative disorders.
Turmeric Acts to turn on the parts of our DNA that help reduce inflammation. The important role of turmeric in brain health has been described in the Vedic texts dating back more than 3,000 years.
Eggs Rich in choline, the precursor chemical for acetylcholine, one of the most fundamental neurotransmitters. In addition, eggs contain cholesterol, an important component of brain cell membranes as well as serving as a brain-protective antioxidant.
Walnuts Rich in a variety of nutrients to support brain health including vitamin E, omega-3 fats, copper, manganese, and fiber for brain supportive gut bacteria.
Exercise I had to put it on the list. Call it a “food for the soul” if you like. Aerobic exercise turns on the genes that make BDNF (a growth and protective hormone) that targets brain cells.
Asparagus Rich in prebiotic fiber to support brain-healthy gut bacteria. Asparagus is high in anti-inflammatory nutrients and folate.
Kale A great low-carb vegetable that’s rich in vitamins C, K, and A, as well as potassium and iron.
Broccoli High in sulfurophane, a chemical that aids in detoxification, reduction of inflammation, and control of damaging free radicals.
Avocado High in monounsaturated fats to protect brain cells. Avocado oil has been shown to help maintain healthy blood pressure levels.
Red wine Rich in polyphenols that may actually boost brain blood flow.
Dark chocolate Like red wine, also rich in polyphenols.
Spinach Rich in brain-protective antioxidants along with vitamin K, folate, and lutein.
Almonds Like fatty fish, almonds have high levels of brain-healthy omega-3 fatty acids and lots of brain-protecting vitamin E.
Pumpkin seeds A rich source of zinc, a mineral that plays an important role in memory and overall brain function.
Maca A relative of the radish and tastes similar to butterscotch. It's root is used to make medicine. People take maca by mouth for "tired blood" (anemia); chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS); and enhancing energy, stamina, athletic performance, and memory.
Maca A relative of the radish and tastes similar to butterscotch. It's root is used to make medicine. People take maca by mouth for "tired blood" (anemia); chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS); and enhancing energy, stamina, athletic performance, and memory.
Most of the food information sourced from https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-21756/20-foods-to-naturally-increase-your-brain-power.html
So it seems to me that information on moods, brain power, weight loss and blah blah blah is all very similar, eat healthier natural foods, get some salmon that seems to be good for everything and blueberries, Hmmmmmm what a combo :)
Water, I know that most days I don't drink enough water and I know that at the times when I do keep myself hydrated I feel better, brighter, healthier and go for a pee every half an hour (not such a great effect), so I did some reading as to how being rehydrated really does effect my brain function. Apparently this really is the case, hydrating with water allows the brain to function at optimal levels, everything communicates more efficiently and so this helps every part of the body to function better, memory, concentration, energy and alertness. So I will put up with the regular running to the loo while crossing my legs, not the best of looks but at least I can think better :)
So it seems to me that information on moods, brain power, weight loss and blah blah blah is all very similar, eat healthier natural foods, get some salmon that seems to be good for everything and blueberries, Hmmmmmm what a combo :)
Water, I know that most days I don't drink enough water and I know that at the times when I do keep myself hydrated I feel better, brighter, healthier and go for a pee every half an hour (not such a great effect), so I did some reading as to how being rehydrated really does effect my brain function. Apparently this really is the case, hydrating with water allows the brain to function at optimal levels, everything communicates more efficiently and so this helps every part of the body to function better, memory, concentration, energy and alertness. So I will put up with the regular running to the loo while crossing my legs, not the best of looks but at least I can think better :)
Soooooooo this is me for another week. I am loving getting back to my writing, reading, studying and learning. I'm feeling brighter and better about what's happened and what's going to come in the future. Thanks Fearne Cotton for your beautiful diary (a gift to myself not from Fearne herself) I literally love this diary as a daily way of keeping everything in one place. Things have been pretty crappy but they are looking up. Every day I count myself lucky to be alive and surrounded by the most amazing people who have done everything to keep me in this one, little bit crazy piece. My final words for this week are to my amazing grandchildren, these kids are awesome and I utterly adore them, they keep me laughing on the days that I feel like crying, they let me sleep on the days that I can't move. They ask the questions that no-one else is brave enough to, having a 7 year old want a full explanation of having brain surgery and then rubbing his fingers on every part of the scar is incredible. If you are reading this and don't have grandchildren yet, it is an amazing thing. If you're not getting some, borrow someones elses (not steal them of course, that would get you into trouble) but get in there with the kids, play lego, eat ice cream, play on the swings (not the trampoline, the poorly head doesn't like it as much of the rest of the body loves and jump on the trampoline) and laugh like a child over the silliest things, it's a truly awesome way to spend time.
Monday, 29 January 2018
Find serotonin, relax and be happy
The power of meditation and breath allows you to come back to you, to drop into your heart, be in your body, and know you can do it.
You can feel and live a life of love and purpose - change can be graceful and peaceful, let it Be you.
Let your body melt into the white light that you are, breath, let go, & know you are safe.
You are Love
You are Grounded
You are Light
The words of Arianna Auron
I am doing my best this week to practise what I preach by doing an almost daily meditation session which I've recorded myself, yep I can make myself go to sleep with my own voice. Fancy trying one of my sessions for free then just drop me a message I'd be thrilled for you to be a guinea pig. I intend by next month to be a fully qualified hypnotherapist and then will set up my facebook page and website, this is an exciting new time for me.
Now I know the happy pills have cheered me up and stopped me stressing about stuff but there has to be a better way than chemicals to increase serotonin (the happy hormone) levels. Serotonin is a chemical messenger that’s believed to act as a mood stabiliser. It’s said to help produce healthy sleeping patterns as well as boost your mood. Studies show that serotonin levels can have an effect on mood and behaviour, and the chemical is commonly linked to feeling good. Food and diet is obviously a massive factor again, reduce refined sugar and processed foods, they seem to be the devil incarnate in every piece of nutritional and health advice there is, it's everywhere in everything you see, read and hear from every form of media, birds eye must be pissed off with it!!!
So where can I get a serotonin boost from that isn't chemical?
You can feel and live a life of love and purpose - change can be graceful and peaceful, let it Be you.
Let your body melt into the white light that you are, breath, let go, & know you are safe.
You are Love
You are Grounded
You are Light
The words of Arianna Auron
I am doing my best this week to practise what I preach by doing an almost daily meditation session which I've recorded myself, yep I can make myself go to sleep with my own voice. Fancy trying one of my sessions for free then just drop me a message I'd be thrilled for you to be a guinea pig. I intend by next month to be a fully qualified hypnotherapist and then will set up my facebook page and website, this is an exciting new time for me.
Now I know the happy pills have cheered me up and stopped me stressing about stuff but there has to be a better way than chemicals to increase serotonin (the happy hormone) levels. Serotonin is a chemical messenger that’s believed to act as a mood stabiliser. It’s said to help produce healthy sleeping patterns as well as boost your mood. Studies show that serotonin levels can have an effect on mood and behaviour, and the chemical is commonly linked to feeling good. Food and diet is obviously a massive factor again, reduce refined sugar and processed foods, they seem to be the devil incarnate in every piece of nutritional and health advice there is, it's everywhere in everything you see, read and hear from every form of media, birds eye must be pissed off with it!!!
So where can I get a serotonin boost from that isn't chemical?
Serotonin and your diet: Does it work?
The common belief is that by eating foods high in tryptophan, you can boost your serotonin levels. But is this true?
Serotonin isn’t found in foods, but tryptophan is. Foods high in protein, iron, riboflavin, and vitamin B-6 all tend to contain large amounts of this amino acid. While high-tryptophan foods won’t boost serotonin on their own, there’s one possible cheat to this system: carbs.
Carbs cause the body to release more insulin, which promotes amino acid absorption and leaves tryptophan in the blood. If you mix high-tryptophan foods with carbs, you might get a serotonin boost.
The tryptophan you find in food has to compete with other amino acids to be absorbed into the brain, so it’s unlikely to have much of an effect on your serotonin levels. This differs from tryptophan supplements, which contain purified tryptophan and do have an effect on serotonin levels.
While they can’t compete with supplements — which you should not be taking without approval from your doctor — the foods listed contain high amounts of tryptophan. Your best chance at achieving a serotonin boost without using supplements is to eat them often, with a serving of healthy carbohydrates, like rice, oats, or whole-grain bread.
7 Serotonin boosting foods
- Eggs, the protein in eggs can significantly boost your blood plasma levels of tryptophan Pro cooking tip: Don’t leave out the yolks! They’re extremely rich in tryptophan and tyrosine, choline, biotin, omega 3 fatty acids, and other nutrients that are major contributors to the health benefits and antidioxidant properties of eggs. (who knew?!)
- Cheese is another great source of tryptophan - often thought of as a high in fat and has the same effect on your mood as chocolate, it's also believed to be one of the top 2 most loved foods with it's brother chocolate.
- Pineapples are a major source of bromelain, a protein that can reduce the side effects of chemotherapy as well as help suppress coughs, according to some research.
- Tofu, soy products are rich sources of tryptophan. You can substitute tofu for pretty much any protein, in pretty much any recipe, making it an excellent source of tryptophan for vegetarians and vegans. Some tofu is calcium-set, which provides a great calcium boost.
- Salmon. It’s hard to go wrong with salmon, which — as you may have guessed — is also rich in tryptophan. Salmon also has other nutritional benefits like helping balance cholosterol, lowering blood pressure, and being a source of omega-3 fatty acids.
- Turkey is essentially stuffed tryptophan
- Nuts & seeds Pick and choose your favourites, because all nuts and seeds contain tryptophan. Studies show that eating a handful of nuts a day can lower your risk for cancer, heart disease, and respiratory problems. They’re also good sources of fibre, vitamins, and antioxidants.
- Food and supplements aren't the only ways to boost serotonin levels
- Exercise : Research has shown that regular exercise can have antidepressant effects.
- Sunshine : Light therapy is a common remedy for seasonal depression. Research shows a clear relationship between being exposed to bright light and serotonin levels. To get better sleep or to boost your mood.
- Positivity ; Research shows that facing daily life and your interactions with others with a positive outlook can significantly boost your serotonin levels.
- Information sourced from https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sleep/foods-that-could-boost-your-serotonin#alternatives
- Spend some relaxing time listening to this youtube video below, either for a night sleep aid or an afternoon nap or even chill out time with a good book. It has been shown that listening to a meditation or relaxation music daily for 4 weeks can have an amazing effect on your mood - I personally listen to this every night when I go to bed https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFGsZ6ythQQ
How helpful was it?
How can we improve it?
Monday, 22 January 2018
Swap cous cous for quinoa and slippers for heels
Really am I so vain that I now spend my days (at home) in heels rather than slippers? Yes it's true, not just for vanity although they do look super sexy in pyjamas but also to work at my feet, legs and arse. My feet have been spreading from not wearing proper shoes, so like a bound up Japanese geisha my feet are forced into heels for a few hours a day.
Am I so vain that even though I don't hate the pixie look, I do hate the sagging cheeks and 15 chins (I haven't really got 15 chins but I don't want them either), so a daily face yoga stretching session is in order? Yes I am, my face can't be covered by a fringe or floppy hair anymore, everything is on show so yes I am doing a daily face yoga/stretch to regain my youthful glow. Is it working? Not a bloody clue but it's making me feel like I'm doing something helpful for myself :) Now with this in mind my daughters friend saw me and thought I'd gone for a new look and loved it, maybe I am harder on myself than I should be.
I am super slimming too, every day sees my diary of food, syns, calories, fat & sugar content blah blah blah. I might not have mentioned this before but I am going to Santorini for a girls weekend with my amazing girls and they look better than me, I know I know I'm their mother, they are supposed to look better than me but I can try and send a few pounds and years packing. Sooooooooo I might still not be able to yoga, pilate and squat but I can slendertone and hula hoop, so slendertone and hula hoop I shall and laugh about it I shall too :)
This weeks lesson to myself - Smile, even on the days where I feel like rubbish, the more I smile at other people the more they smile back to me and the less rubbish I feel. Just keep smiling, the worst that can happen is someone thinks I'm mad - if only they could see inside my head!!!
I'm back to reading and not just about myself, I'm reading Davina (yes it's true I am a Davina McCall fan) and I love her life lessons. I'm also reading the Trump book, woah I think that head is worse than mine, lessons from that - shut up!!
The weekly headaches are still here and so are the dizzy spells where I can't remember if I've just told you my name but I can remember that I am allergic to kiwi fruit and pineapple even if I can't remember that I'm allergic to morphine and codeine - how this strange head works. I'm wondering if it was always this strange I just never really noticed before. I'm pretty sure that there are many who know me that would say that statement is a true one.
Kindness is one of my intentions for this year, I know that one of my 'things' is to be hard on other people and not always the most patient. This week I have bought hot food and drinks for two homeless women, is that kindness? I'm not sure if it was for them or my my own satisfaction. I know they appreciated it but all the same I sometimes wonder if that random act of kindness is as much for my self worth as those on the receiving end. I suspect probably both but I feel like being kind to a stranger is helping me at the same time as them, i gives me a warm self satifying feel as they enjoy a hot drink and meal.
I count myself incredibly lucky that I have a kind and caring relationship with my family and my grandchildren, to spend time knitting, watching a dance show and playing scrabble with my grand daughter might sound old ladyish but to me it is utter bliss, a wonderful relationship that will mean we both age with special memories of each other.
So on this note for another week Amos, you will not beat me.
Am I so vain that even though I don't hate the pixie look, I do hate the sagging cheeks and 15 chins (I haven't really got 15 chins but I don't want them either), so a daily face yoga stretching session is in order? Yes I am, my face can't be covered by a fringe or floppy hair anymore, everything is on show so yes I am doing a daily face yoga/stretch to regain my youthful glow. Is it working? Not a bloody clue but it's making me feel like I'm doing something helpful for myself :) Now with this in mind my daughters friend saw me and thought I'd gone for a new look and loved it, maybe I am harder on myself than I should be.
I am super slimming too, every day sees my diary of food, syns, calories, fat & sugar content blah blah blah. I might not have mentioned this before but I am going to Santorini for a girls weekend with my amazing girls and they look better than me, I know I know I'm their mother, they are supposed to look better than me but I can try and send a few pounds and years packing. Sooooooooo I might still not be able to yoga, pilate and squat but I can slendertone and hula hoop, so slendertone and hula hoop I shall and laugh about it I shall too :)
This weeks lesson to myself - Smile, even on the days where I feel like rubbish, the more I smile at other people the more they smile back to me and the less rubbish I feel. Just keep smiling, the worst that can happen is someone thinks I'm mad - if only they could see inside my head!!!
I'm back to reading and not just about myself, I'm reading Davina (yes it's true I am a Davina McCall fan) and I love her life lessons. I'm also reading the Trump book, woah I think that head is worse than mine, lessons from that - shut up!!
The weekly headaches are still here and so are the dizzy spells where I can't remember if I've just told you my name but I can remember that I am allergic to kiwi fruit and pineapple even if I can't remember that I'm allergic to morphine and codeine - how this strange head works. I'm wondering if it was always this strange I just never really noticed before. I'm pretty sure that there are many who know me that would say that statement is a true one.
Kindness is one of my intentions for this year, I know that one of my 'things' is to be hard on other people and not always the most patient. This week I have bought hot food and drinks for two homeless women, is that kindness? I'm not sure if it was for them or my my own satisfaction. I know they appreciated it but all the same I sometimes wonder if that random act of kindness is as much for my self worth as those on the receiving end. I suspect probably both but I feel like being kind to a stranger is helping me at the same time as them, i gives me a warm self satifying feel as they enjoy a hot drink and meal.
I count myself incredibly lucky that I have a kind and caring relationship with my family and my grandchildren, to spend time knitting, watching a dance show and playing scrabble with my grand daughter might sound old ladyish but to me it is utter bliss, a wonderful relationship that will mean we both age with special memories of each other.
So on this note for another week Amos, you will not beat me.
Monday, 15 January 2018
New Year, new beginnings and a new laptop..........
It's been a while I know and I'm probably talking to myself. I know that too but I am going to try and do a bit of a brief catchup with myself. I'd like to say it's time to get on with life but I honestly wish it was that simple and easy. It's not and I am very very slowly accepting that. So here in brief is the last few months that I haven't been bothered to write about. It's bloody hard this thinking malarky when you've had (time to drop the BT bomb) a brain tumour.........................
October
I got told that I wouldn't have my post op appointment until after the wedding so booked a flight to Spain, see some friends, give my girls a break from me and see how ready I could be to go back to work. I was ridiculously frightened of the flight, thoughts of my head expanding and exploding took over until vomitting with fear. My head didn't explode!!!! Sadly though a few days later after a blissful sunny walk on the seafront and sitting for two hours in the blazing sun I did have another seizure, what a bloody nightmare. I forgot my words again, this time in Spanish as well as English, that is not fun! I spent the night in a local Spanish hospital in the corridor, not quiet or comfortable. But I was less poorly than the man behind me who was very distressed. Thank goodness the releasing from hospital in Spain is quicker than the UK. At 8.30 am I was allowed to RUN out of the door, I didn't actually run but I walked really really fast. Obviously this terrified my poor friends and I was literally wrapped in cotton wool for the rest of my stay. That said I didn't have to catch the coach home as my very soon to be son in law collected me from the airport. So much for giving the girls a break, I gave them another fright instead.
My hair is falling out :(
November
It's wedding time, everything revolves around wedding preparation and it is blissfully beautiful, well apart from me having to contend with my ex husbands pain in the arse wife! I am trying to be nice but that is sometimes more difficult, I'm sure my brain has developed turrets because I regularly want to tell her to shut the fuck up - I don't, well not out loud anyway.
Soooooooooo the wedding comes by and it is truly the most beautiful wedding I have ever seen, the bride who was once my baby girl is now a princess and about to become a wife and I struggle to hold back the tears, forget hold back there's no point trying they just fall. The day is blissful, the evening is fabulous well it is until the ex husband gets drunk (again) I get the usual I love you, I always loved you blah blah blah, I'm used to that and it doesn't phase me anymore. I was however phased by the "that thing in your head is going to kill you", not a bloody chance it isn't, ooohhhhhhh I'm going to get a bit of fight back. The next comment "when I found out your were ill I was heartbroken but couldn't tell anyone", oooohhhhhhhh dear, too much drink!!!! Then the 1am sneak into my room for the kissing, used to this too, get out there are 3 children sleeping in here and your wife is 2 rooms away, leave me alone.
Now I didn't think all of this stupidity was having an effect, I was wrong but it would take me a while to realise.
I've started councelling, I hate the idea of it but the lady is lovely and I think my hour to rant and cry to a stranger is actually quite helpful, putting things into persepective is good. I like to box things in an orderly fashion and deal with them one at a time.
My hair is falling out :(
December
My post op and MRI appointment has come and I am fine, surgery was successful and I don't need radiotherapy. The tumour was the size of a small orange and took about 15 years to grow, 15 YEARS, no wonder I've been feeling ill for 5 years!!!
I should be thrilled but after 3 days I fall apart. I cancel my councelling, I cry, the nightmares have come back, I don't want to see or talk to anyone and I cry. There is a fury from the way my ex husband behaved at the wedding, I can't fight it, I am constantly seething. My hair has fallen out to the point of cutting what's left off. I've bought two wigs which look great but itch my head like crazy so I stop wearing them, it turns out the pixie look isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I cry and cry some more. I end up back in hospital with another vile dizzy spell which I thought was going to be another seizure. What is wrong with me??????? I am actually going mad.
Sooooooooooo my Dr has put me on some lovely happy pills, I hate them and I hate the thought of them but I daily want to commit murder, I daily cry, I daily have no energy and I literally can't be bothered with anything. Apparently the tablets will make me feel like crap for a couple of weeks but I feel like crap anyway so what's the difference?!
Yoga workouts are my love and nemesis, mad but true, I am desperate to get some workouts done but every time I try I get the dizzy spells again.............
Thank God for the children, my daughter and her 'husband' have gone on honeymoon and I have my grandaughter, she is my lifeline, she makes me smile and laugh and makes me get up in the mornings or she can't go to school, two weeks is tiring to look after a 9 year old when you're already fatigued and feeling like crap but she is a delight and I thank the universe for her.
By Christmas I am feeling less crap, still really really tired but less like a secret murdering bitch, maybe the happy pills are starting to work.
Christmas with my family is wonderful, I can laugh, sleep, rest, play with the kids and then laugh more. Oooohhhhhh and eat chocolate, chocolate and maybe just a bit more chocolate and a mince pie. That weight I've been shifting, may be coming back eeeekkkkkkkkk
January (the first half)
New year is pretty damn good when you're not going partying cos you can't drink and you can't stand the noise. A night in with my grandson was utterly blissful, pizza, ice cream popcorn and movies, asleep by 9.30. Wake up to see the new year in and then back to sleep. A perfect way to see a new year. Let's hope it's a bloody site better than the last years.
I'm back at councelling, it's time to accept the help I'm being offered and get over all this crap, I'm bored of it now!
So January is bringing new intentions to be kinder to myself, to be kinder to others, to not get upset over things that don't matter. Get back to studying and complete my courses to become a qualified hypnotherapist and help others to help themselves. I have really realised that is definately what I want to do. That said it is a reminder that if I don't let others help me I will not be able to help anyone. So while I'm typing there is tree cutting outside, the noise still makes me crazy so I'm burning some jasmine (probably my favourite smell at the moment) and listening to this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFGsZ6ythQQ beautiful, relaxing music.
Life is going to be OK, different but OK.
So back to the grindstone, back to studying on my new laptop which I like, it will take a little bit of getting used to but so far so good. Back to the diet :) and if I can't yoga I can hula hoop, not only can I hula but I can hula in heels, yep I have never thought I was anything but bonkers but hula hooping in heels and pyjamas is even bonkers in my estimation but my arse and legs are looking great - well they will do by Santorini in July
Happy and Healthy New Year readers. I will get back to this blog writing again and more regularly so please share if you think this page can help anyone smile or feel better about the madness in their head
October
I got told that I wouldn't have my post op appointment until after the wedding so booked a flight to Spain, see some friends, give my girls a break from me and see how ready I could be to go back to work. I was ridiculously frightened of the flight, thoughts of my head expanding and exploding took over until vomitting with fear. My head didn't explode!!!! Sadly though a few days later after a blissful sunny walk on the seafront and sitting for two hours in the blazing sun I did have another seizure, what a bloody nightmare. I forgot my words again, this time in Spanish as well as English, that is not fun! I spent the night in a local Spanish hospital in the corridor, not quiet or comfortable. But I was less poorly than the man behind me who was very distressed. Thank goodness the releasing from hospital in Spain is quicker than the UK. At 8.30 am I was allowed to RUN out of the door, I didn't actually run but I walked really really fast. Obviously this terrified my poor friends and I was literally wrapped in cotton wool for the rest of my stay. That said I didn't have to catch the coach home as my very soon to be son in law collected me from the airport. So much for giving the girls a break, I gave them another fright instead.
My hair is falling out :(
November
It's wedding time, everything revolves around wedding preparation and it is blissfully beautiful, well apart from me having to contend with my ex husbands pain in the arse wife! I am trying to be nice but that is sometimes more difficult, I'm sure my brain has developed turrets because I regularly want to tell her to shut the fuck up - I don't, well not out loud anyway.
Soooooooooo the wedding comes by and it is truly the most beautiful wedding I have ever seen, the bride who was once my baby girl is now a princess and about to become a wife and I struggle to hold back the tears, forget hold back there's no point trying they just fall. The day is blissful, the evening is fabulous well it is until the ex husband gets drunk (again) I get the usual I love you, I always loved you blah blah blah, I'm used to that and it doesn't phase me anymore. I was however phased by the "that thing in your head is going to kill you", not a bloody chance it isn't, ooohhhhhhh I'm going to get a bit of fight back. The next comment "when I found out your were ill I was heartbroken but couldn't tell anyone", oooohhhhhhhh dear, too much drink!!!! Then the 1am sneak into my room for the kissing, used to this too, get out there are 3 children sleeping in here and your wife is 2 rooms away, leave me alone.
Now I didn't think all of this stupidity was having an effect, I was wrong but it would take me a while to realise.
I've started councelling, I hate the idea of it but the lady is lovely and I think my hour to rant and cry to a stranger is actually quite helpful, putting things into persepective is good. I like to box things in an orderly fashion and deal with them one at a time.
My hair is falling out :(
December
My post op and MRI appointment has come and I am fine, surgery was successful and I don't need radiotherapy. The tumour was the size of a small orange and took about 15 years to grow, 15 YEARS, no wonder I've been feeling ill for 5 years!!!
I should be thrilled but after 3 days I fall apart. I cancel my councelling, I cry, the nightmares have come back, I don't want to see or talk to anyone and I cry. There is a fury from the way my ex husband behaved at the wedding, I can't fight it, I am constantly seething. My hair has fallen out to the point of cutting what's left off. I've bought two wigs which look great but itch my head like crazy so I stop wearing them, it turns out the pixie look isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I cry and cry some more. I end up back in hospital with another vile dizzy spell which I thought was going to be another seizure. What is wrong with me??????? I am actually going mad.
Sooooooooooo my Dr has put me on some lovely happy pills, I hate them and I hate the thought of them but I daily want to commit murder, I daily cry, I daily have no energy and I literally can't be bothered with anything. Apparently the tablets will make me feel like crap for a couple of weeks but I feel like crap anyway so what's the difference?!
Yoga workouts are my love and nemesis, mad but true, I am desperate to get some workouts done but every time I try I get the dizzy spells again.............
Thank God for the children, my daughter and her 'husband' have gone on honeymoon and I have my grandaughter, she is my lifeline, she makes me smile and laugh and makes me get up in the mornings or she can't go to school, two weeks is tiring to look after a 9 year old when you're already fatigued and feeling like crap but she is a delight and I thank the universe for her.
By Christmas I am feeling less crap, still really really tired but less like a secret murdering bitch, maybe the happy pills are starting to work.
Christmas with my family is wonderful, I can laugh, sleep, rest, play with the kids and then laugh more. Oooohhhhhh and eat chocolate, chocolate and maybe just a bit more chocolate and a mince pie. That weight I've been shifting, may be coming back eeeekkkkkkkkk
January (the first half)
New year is pretty damn good when you're not going partying cos you can't drink and you can't stand the noise. A night in with my grandson was utterly blissful, pizza, ice cream popcorn and movies, asleep by 9.30. Wake up to see the new year in and then back to sleep. A perfect way to see a new year. Let's hope it's a bloody site better than the last years.
I'm back at councelling, it's time to accept the help I'm being offered and get over all this crap, I'm bored of it now!
So January is bringing new intentions to be kinder to myself, to be kinder to others, to not get upset over things that don't matter. Get back to studying and complete my courses to become a qualified hypnotherapist and help others to help themselves. I have really realised that is definately what I want to do. That said it is a reminder that if I don't let others help me I will not be able to help anyone. So while I'm typing there is tree cutting outside, the noise still makes me crazy so I'm burning some jasmine (probably my favourite smell at the moment) and listening to this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFGsZ6ythQQ beautiful, relaxing music.
Life is going to be OK, different but OK.
So back to the grindstone, back to studying on my new laptop which I like, it will take a little bit of getting used to but so far so good. Back to the diet :) and if I can't yoga I can hula hoop, not only can I hula but I can hula in heels, yep I have never thought I was anything but bonkers but hula hooping in heels and pyjamas is even bonkers in my estimation but my arse and legs are looking great - well they will do by Santorini in July
Happy and Healthy New Year readers. I will get back to this blog writing again and more regularly so please share if you think this page can help anyone smile or feel better about the madness in their head
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