The magic of family

The way my girls have taken control of this situation is obviously a family trait.

As a young man my father fought for his kids, he spent 8 years fighting a system who told him he'd fail. He eventually won his children, became the first man in the country to do that. He was my first love (not I a weird way) but he was the man I looked for in other men and never found, so I'd rather be single than not have someone as wonderful as he was.

When he got ill it was my turn to take over. I fought for my him, I took over everything he couldn't do and he remained my best friend and my rock as I became his. We laughed, we cried, we struggled and we stuck together. When we lost him I lost my best friend and part of myself that will never be replaced.

Now my girls are fighting for me. They have taken over the same as I took over for my Dad, they are my rocks and my best friends, we are laughing and crying together and when I struggle to think how on earth they became the women they are, I just have to think they following my Dad.

I am eternally grateful for the best family I've had all my life and will have for the rest of my life when all of this is over.

Thanks again Dad for being part of my incredible girls

Just tears

I've just got back from the hospital and it was pretty much everything I was expecting and my reason for being scared and sick all day was right. The eviction is booked in for 20th July, it will take all day to do it. The surgeon is fantastic and got a great reputation. Amos is a grade one big bugger that means my removal scar will be huge.

I think it will take a day or two for the realism of this to sink in. I am having half of my hair shaved off, that is now an absolute and has pissed me off, honestly I am not one of those women who looks amazing with an almost bald head. I will not be allowed to travel further than my home town for 12 weeks, that is a given and has pissed me off. That means I will not be able to go to my daughters hen weekend, that hasn't pissed me off, that is devastation. I know that is ridiculous to anyone else reading this but it isn't to me. I am not even allowed to go to visit family and friends in other areas of the country. Jeez at the moment I am not happy catching the local bus!!!  I can't leave the house on my own because I'm scared of having a seizure or dizzy spell

My new business has gone down the pan, I can't work and that has been my dawning realisation and has made me feel sick, not with the loss of potential business or the loss of the hours and hours I've put in but the reputation I might have lost in the time I can't work. Ridiculous I know but I think I am allowed a ridiculous couple of days.

The things that are making me furious, not being able to go to my daughters hen weekend and her having to think about how she is going to help me have lovely hair for her wedding. That should not be her job. As a beautiful young bride her job is only to allow herself to have wonderful hair.  

Yep writing this is bringing the tears even more!!!

On the other hand I haven't had a dizzy spell (until today) for over a week, I put this down to the CBD oil which tastes disgusting but I have it before bed and with my turmeric and almond milk tea as my bedtime drink, warm the milk (half a cup) with my chopped and squiged turmeric with black pepper, once this is warmed up I pour it into the cup through an old fashioned tea strainer and add the additional hot water. Sounds disgusting? Actually it's either nicer than it sounds or i have got used to it, either way I have this almost every night before I go to bed and I sleep like a baby, well that is not waking up at 3am for a nappy change :) As I'm typing this I'm chomping on my kale crisps (homemade) and waiting for my sweet potato chips to cook in the coconut oil to cook so that I can have them with my homemade baked beans Mmmmm

I have no appetite really but I know I have to get food into me and that food has to be good natural food, this is the stuff that is going to get me to my peak and to get me through the recovery quicker than the 10 weeks the surgeon is expecting. I want to get back to life, work and normal. So bring on the kale crisps, sweet potato chips and broccoli juice :)

What an amazing weekend

I have to say that my daughters friends are utterly amazing. All the pain and screaming matches and fighting and arguments that I had with my growing up girls were worth every moment to see the incredible women that have been created. Saturday I was picked up by my youngests best friend who took me out to meet my youngest and we had a lovely afternoon with lunch, soldiers an airshow, ice cream and laughter. Sunday I was collected by my eldests best friend who took me for lunch and supermarket shopping and shockingly quickly paid for everything (against my will). The kindness of these young women is extraordinary. I am counting more blessings every day.

The CBD I feel is doing something, I am now on day 5 of no dizzy spells, I have been taking it before bed rather than daily. I have had the best nights sleep last night. Despite being woken up too early by the neighbour shouting at his child, I did actually want to open the door and tell him that waking the whole street up to tell his poor child off was unnecessary but I didn't even have pyjamas and I felt Amos would be over exposed. I did want to tell him though that he doesn't know this morning what a wonderful young man has the potential to grow in to and the shouting was probably not as necessary as he thinks it is this morning.

Anyway back to the CBD that I think might be working. I have now added a few extras to my bedtime routine and I think these are doing all the tricks,  hot almond (or hazlenut) milk with turmeric and pepper, these wash down the horrible taste of the CBD, and then to bed with frankincense oil and jasmine oil. Here we go again with some tips..............

Frankincense oil is a great stress reliever, it also apparently boosts the immune system, helps to relieve pain and inflammation and some believe it can even help to fight cancer.

I have used Jasmine oil for a long time to help with those nights when I can't get to sleep. The health benefits of Jasmine Essential Oil can be attributed to its properties as an antidepressant, antiseptic, aphrodisiac, antispasmodic and sedative. Now I don't need an aphrodisiac but I was once told that it can be as effective as valium for help with sleep.

My sleep routine is now my hot milk with turmeric and pepper, my CBD and then sleep with some 60 beats per minute music and a couple of drops of jasmine and frankincense oils on my pillow and it takes about 60 seconds for me to be knocked out to sleep.

The 60 beats per minute music is incredible for knocking you out. 60 beats per minute is the body's resting heart rate, by concentrating on the sound you are almost forcing your heart to slow down to this rate and shaboom welcome to my life - sleep. I have done this for years to make myself sleep when I think I'm worried or stressed about work or family or anything else going on and now it is a massive help with knocking Amos out and stopping him shouting in my head and squashing my brain.

Once this is all over I think I would actually like to do this stuff as a job, where do I start? No really, where do I start???  I've always loved the way of essential oils and the work they can do, changing your diet to improve health, meditation to force relaxation. Exercise to take away the pain and improve life, obviously not spinning (which I LOVE but can't do atm) but yoga and pilates and the like that can be adapted to help with people in pain and not knowing what to do about it. I sense a change of direction and a reason to really try to remember what I'm studying.

On that note, it's time to study for an hour or so.

Before I sign out though I will write down some of the fabulous meals I've cooked, Home made veggie burgers with kidney beans, carrots and garlic, home made sugar free baked beans, sweet potato chips, actually sweet potato everything is great. Lentil bolognese, I've made this for years and the trick is def to make it the day before which makes it a hundred times more delicious.

For anyone reading this (or I might just be talking to myself) I do hope you are well, I do hope you are happy, I hope that you are have a wonderful support group looking after you and I do hope that somewhere along the line my words are helping you. I don't know if you are able to message me through this page but if you want to share any thoughts with me (not rude ones, not just yet anyway I prob couldn't cope) Please, please feel free to drop me a line

Dizzy days but that's not what it's all about

ATM the worst thing about all this is the dizziness, one minute I'm fine and normal the next dizziness and feeling sick, apparently from the anti seizure tablets but they are almost worse than the Amos moments, at least he only lasts half an hour and he makes me laugh - well OK that's not strictly true, he made me laugh after when I was being stupid.

I've started taking the CBD, the first time I felt urgh and spent the afternoon sleeping,now TBH I don't know if that was from the cold I've got, the CBD or if that was the tablets so I've decided to take it before bed, I've woken up feeling brilliant so hopefully this is the way it will work for me - that is ongoing.

I've had the fear this week, the fear of having staples in my head mostly and how much of my hair will be shaved, so I will need a new hairstyle/cut, after all the mother of the bride can't go to her daughters hen weekend with half a shaved head eh?!

My memory is bonkers, forgetting what you're talking about part way through a conversation is literally making me look ridiculous, constantly apologising for forgetting what I'm saying. I asked my daughter yesterday if my memory is worse, she used this as an excuse for saying "we've been telling you for ages that we've told you stuff and you say no we haven't". Thank God I can laugh about this, possibly not the best time to decide to get into some studying, I'm going to get through the exams online (with my notes in front of me) and then forget what I've done, oops. I'll probably have to redo them when this is all over. So much for me studying so I don't go bonkers - too late. But the course I'm doing are on naturopathy and meditation so restudying them won't be the end of the world and the meditation can only do me good, definitely better to do before bed than watching orange is the new black or emmerdale.

I've made my list of questions for the consultant next week
How big will the cut in my head be?
Will all my hair be shaved off?
How long will I have to take the dizzy tablets for?
How long will it take for my brain to go back into it's space that it's been shoved out of?
Will my memory, hearing and eyesight improve?
Do I get put to sleep for the operation? - This is a massive issue as someone thought it would be a good idea to tell me that often they do this operation while the patient is awake NO NO NO NO put me to bloody sleep FFS

My diet has been pretty good this week apart from birthday cake and ice cream, now here's a thing re the ice cream, I love it, I can't drink wine or gin and I love that too so I refuse to give up ice cream!

I'm looking into coconut oil and it's benefits for meningiomas, now I've been using coconut oil for a long time, to cook, to put in my coffee and to use to clean my make up off and I love it. The Thais apparently call it the beauty oil because of it's fantastic benefits to the skin but I am going to look into it's real health benefits and could it really shrink Amos? So far my research has said of the symptoms of meningiomas could be, memory, vision problems, memory loss, hearing problems, memory loss, seizures and memory loss. Well thats bloody marvelous because I actually have them all especially the memory loss. Apparently if I can find someone who wants to massage the coconut oil into my scalp - a nice indian head massage with coconut oil, will have an Amos shrinking effect, sounds brilliant, I just need to find someone who wants to give me a free head massage!!! This will also have a massive benefit to regrow my hair after the eviction, be a great calmer for one of my stressy days, apparently will improve concentration, hahaha that sounds exactly what I need, and will improve circulation, cleansing the blood and the lymphatic system. So in the event of not finding a free daily head massager youtube searching it is to teach myself to massage my own head as I really can't afford a daily head massage with a professional. Isn't it funny that when looking for something like that on youtube I want to look for a woman teaching me, when I break my phone I only look for a man to fix it, we really are gender specific

Feeling sorry for myself

Today I felt like shit, I cried for my own fear and then I cried for my own selfishness. The reason? I went to see my daughter try on her wedding dress, she looks like a princess, as stunning as I dreamt she would look like on her wedding day when I  held her in my arms and the only person in the world she loved was me.
What if I die before the day? What if I don't make it through Amos's eviction? What if this is the only chance I get to see her look this happy and this wonderful? I feel like shit and selfish as my heart is trying not to break.
I hide my selfish tears by telling them I cry for my dream of her princess moment coming true and that she looks utterly stunning.
Amos I fucking hate you, I never invited you into my life, how dare you invade my love, my children and my dreams. Again the only bloody man in my life is in my head and I never asked you to move in!
A weekend of bbq's with friends has done a good job of cheering me up. That is after I've watched one of my favourite TV programmes with a funeral of one of the long term characters OMFG tears!!!!
Monday morning is back and a workout, good food, sunshine and a better mood thank God.

Workout time, I have looked into this too - there's a surprise eh - I am allowed to do low impact and not too sweaty so my choice is PIYO, from the shopping channels, there are some super sweaty classes that I won't be doing but as a mix of yoga and pilates, this will trim me down and add to my weeks of perfecting myself in readiness for the eviction day - nothing high impact tho Amos might have a funny turn about those!!!

I might start countdown, OMG 30 days, that's crazy quick, Oooohhhhhh I'd better get my PIYO and turmeric on :)


After birthday BBQ's it's back to the healthy eating and additional extras to make me right before the big op day. So oats with chia seeds and goji berries for breakfast and today

I'm collecting the CBT from Holland and Barrett, this stuff is supposed to be a miracle and right now I could do with a few of them. Unlike what I would have previously thought this isn't the smoking type of the same plant which will be less miracle working of the same marijuana plant by making me care little about everything, this stuff is meant to work real miracles for my health. Here's the boring/interesting/important info about it.

What are Cannabidiol’s benefits?

There are three main areas of benefit that users can look forward to when incorporating this beneficial supplement into their daily lives.

The benefits are:

Calm and relaxation
It has already been found that CBD helps users to feel calm and relaxed – naturally and without needing to resort to prescription drugs.

A natural neuroprotectant
Cannabinoids are already known to have neuroprotectant and antioxidant properties, which mean they are useful in the treatment and prevention of a range of diseases associated with oxidation – particularly autoimmune, inflammatory and age-related conditions.

Everyday wellbeing
CBD also promotes everyday wellbeing and quality of life when used as a daily food supplement. Many users are also finding it benefits their pets as well!

Should I use it?

CBD supplements are completely safe, natural and legal to use and offer a whole host of wellbeing benefits. Research is still continuing to understand more about the best ways that we can utilise the properties of this plant and extract maximum value for health. In the meantime, the supplements can provide an excellent wellbeing boost to your everyday life.

Is CBD basically cannabis by another name?!

This invariably leads to some (understandable!) confusion, however it isn’t the case. The first most abundant element of cannabis is THC, and this is the illegal, intoxicating substance that allows smokers of marijuana to achieve their ‘high’.

Cannabidiol is entirely separate from THC, and it has no drug-like properties. However, it is easy to confuse the two substances and naturally it means that CBD attracts a certain amount of stigma – essentially through confusion because of its complex chemical properties, links with THC, and the fact that it is originally derived from the cannabis plant. The important thing to know is that you cannot experience a high by ingesting CBD oil – and it is completely safe, legal and beneficial to use as a natural health supplement.

Is it legal?

Yes – CBD is completely legal – so you can use CBD supplements without worry.

Can also use it safely?

Yes, absolutely. Research has shown that CBD supplements are safe to use, even in large amounts or in high concentrations. Not only are they safe to use – they will boost your wellbeing by doing so!

Why might I choose to use it?

There are thousands of supplements available on the health food market today. However, Cannabidiol is already standing out as something that is both new and potentially very exciting. CBD offers a natural way to achieve calm, relaxation and wellbeing thanks to its broad protective properties and it can be taken in a range of formats, including oils, gums, sprays and more.
The rich antioxidant properties of the oil are also being investigated and there may well be further interesting news of additional benefits to come. Scientists are continuing to look at future, broader applications of the supplements and we will update these pages with latest findings as they occur.

I know as you're reading this you're thinking goodness me she knows her stuff about this stuff, sadly not however, I have got the info from the professionals
https://www.cbdoilsuk.com/everything-need-know-cannabidiol-cbd/

I am hoping that this will cheer my mood and relax Amos from making me cry

I've read a lot of stuff about this stuff and honestly so far I haven't seen anything negative :)

Food, dizzy and news

Food change has started, after eating a superstore worth of chocolate and sleeping for a full day it's time to sort this bloody rubbish out and the food is the first place to start.

Breakfast of overnight oats with chia seeds, coconut water and goji berries or rye bread with spinach and poached eggs I feel like a food superhero. My dinners have been awesome tho, homemade veggie burgers, quinoa risotto with aubergine and salad of beetroot, kale and tomato with udos oil (all the omega 3, 6 & 9 you fit into one tablespoon) I'm feeling rather proud of myself.

Today has been mad, last night all I could think about was sleep and sleep I did for 10 hours, anyone who knows me knows that this is not normal but I couldn't stay awake and then I couldn't wake up, when I did I felt urgh and dizzy. This def calls for a lazy day. However after a chat with my consultants secretary who was another fabulously lovely person in my corner (mine, not Amos's) I have the amazing news that Amos's eviction is booked for the last week of July, obviously this is subject to nobody having more trouble with their head guest than I'm having with mine. My tiredness is down to the tablets that nobody can pronounce that I am taking to shut Amos up, the advice on this is just rest when I feel I need to.

The other piece of amazing news is that I will be able to fly, now I know you're reading this and thinking WTF but my daughter has her hen weekend at the end of August in Dublin and I would be utterly devastated not be joining her on this brilliant party. I mean lets face it first what mother doesn't want to watch her daughter prepare for the marriage to her amazing son in law to be? But being as this is Dublin there might well be the fit, single Irish man who falls in love with the mother of the bride with a bald patch and a stapled head?!

So lets get back to the healthy eating and away from the fit, single Irish man that is going to fall in love with me in Dublin :) I have discovered a love for turmeric, I use it with everything, apparently using it with pepper makes it 1000 times more powerful. So turmeric is my info choice today according to the daily mail online turmeric is one of natures wonder drugs, we should eat or drink it every day because some naturopathy experts believe that it is better than a magic pil that can help to protect us from some of the worst diseases on the planet.

So how much do you eat - and how do you eat it?
Turmeric is potent stuff. If I gave you an eighth of a teaspoon of turmeric to eat once a day for a week, then exposed your blood to an oxidising (bad) chemical, the number of cells with DNA damage could be cut in half. All because you had a little bit of turmeric onboard.
Add pepper to increase it's potency, even the tiniest pinch of pepper can significantly boost curcumin levels in your blood.

I've made turmeric tea by crushing it in my nutribullet with hot water and black pepper, I serve it either with water or warm nut milk. Make sure you brush your teeth after though I don't want the yellow teeth thing happening.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-3470432/Turmeric-Nature-s-wonder-drug-healthiest-herbs-spices-revealed.html#ixzz4k6FC83lV

Another reminder that my friends are amazing when they just turn up with my favourite drink and a hug. How did I mass the amazing friends I have? I genuinely have no idea but I am and always will be utterly grateful to all of them.

Now I'm going to be honest about this blogging thing, I am doing it for my own benefit but if there is anyone going through this and doesn't have my ridiculous sense of humour needs to inject some daftness into their uninvited guest please please message me, take some comfort that we can beat these buggers out and try and keep smiling while we're doing it.

Fear Day

So today is the fear day, today is the day I wait for the phone call from the hospital to find out what's the future for Amos. I've woken up in fear, dizzy, sick and over riding fear. I wait and wait and wait, walk and wait, have a fabulous lunch and wait, walk some more and still wait. When the waiting has taken over my brain - my part not Amos, I finally call the hospital who haven't called me, the stress of them not knowing who I am has brought me to tears but finally I speak to someone who recognises my name and she has put a million of my fears to rest, they know me, they know about Amos and they are going to cut him away in about 6 weeks or so. This obviously brings a load more fears but at least I know what is going to happen. I finish the call and cry a little bit more.

I create a group to send a txt to let my nearest and dearest know whats happening and then I can switch my phone off and be normalish for an hour or so.

Of course the normality doesn't last for longer than an hour, I switch the phone on and it goes crazy, my nearest and dearest send their love, their thoughts and let me know that if I need anything I have a massive group of people I can call the reassurance brings the tears again - bloody ridiculous, I don't cry often but Amos is squeezing unwanted tears out of my eyes.

The sun is shining and I'm loving the sunshine, I miss Spain and two weeks ago I would have gone back in a heartbeart but now I def wouldn't, not only because I can't fly, what Captain would let Amos on a flight urgh, even the thought is horrid. But if this had all happened while I was working overseas I would not have the support I have now, Amos obviously had a plan for me.

The group message I sent yesterday has had a hilarious consequence when I've accidentally sent another to the group that was only supposed to go to one person. The message was a thankyou for my new M&S knickers to my God daughter, it was also to tell her how much I love her, how proud I am of her and how one day she will realise how amazing she is. As many teenagers she doesn't have the confidence she should. But oops, the message went to EVERYONE, including my ex husbands wife who told me she certainly had not bought be underwear, my Auntie who reminded me I'd borrowed a lot of knickers from her but she'd never bought me any and a phone call from a friend to make sure I wasn't having a seizure, this call included my giving the friend my full name, date of birth, address and an explanation as to the accidental thankyou for the knickers text. Oops Amos has struck again, but he has caused a morning of laughter. Thanks Amos, I still don't want to keep you tho, bloody typical, the only man in my life lives in my bloody head, I'm sure there's a name for that and I don't want it thankyou very much.

The thought in my head right now is I'm going to have staples in my head! What will they do with my hair? Will it all be cut off or will it be a patch? Should I have my hair restyled before they do it for me or should I wait to see what they are going to do? Will the staples be tiny or MASSIVE?????

The nature stuff tells me that I should have coconut oil massaged into my head to help with natural Amos shrinkage and I should burn frankincense oil to help with relaxation and eat loads of carcinogenic red food, peppers, carrots and oranges. Obviously as always cut out sugar and processed foods.Also CBD has a massive amount of good info, no that does not mean smoking a hash fag, love the smell (I know it's weird but I've always weirdly like the smell, not enough to smoke it tho) but CBD seems to have an amazing amount of good info, anythings worth a go except smoking the hash fags - I'm not doing that

Flowers, flowers and more flowers

Whats a woman got to do to get a house full of flowers? Oh yeah have an Amos move in!!!!! I can't get enough thankyous out for the massive amount of flowers I've got

I'm a bit fed up of having to say the words really quickly and refusing to repeat that I HAVE GOT A BRAIN TUMOR. The silence that follows is almost always the same

After 3 days in my friends I want to go home to my little flat and try and get some normality. I want my internet, my TV, my bed and my teeny tiny home that I love. So after a vegan lunch it's time to go home and try to be normal

It's time to take Amos by the horns and and get myself into prime condition ready for the removal process. So this is it, sugar free, processed free, alcohol free (not by choice!!), lots of walking (cos I'm not allowed to drive) so 10,000 steps and some gentle yoga. My thoughts on this is if I can get myself in tip top condition before my treatment I can heal in super quick time and go on the hen weekend at the end of August

No bloody wine or gin!!!!!!!How many calories will that be - be positive, I'll be a cheap date once Amos is out :)

I'm also going to get positively studying. I might as well use the time I can't work to not go stir crazy. I think this process is going to take about 12 weeks by the time they shrink him down or cut him out. In that time I can study my meditation, hypnotherapy and naturopathy courses. Be positive and use this time for the best. Wow it would be amazing if I was actually requalified by the end of this scary hell. Ssshhhhhhhh don't tell anyone that this is a scary hell, be positive, smile, laugh and remember the ridiculousness of this

Is this sinking in yet?

What has sunk in so far is that my daughters are AMAZING, not only were they amazing with me and my bonkers brain but they were amazing with the other patients in the wards I spent my 2 days in. I'm not sure how I managed to bring these two amazing women up but my pride is bursting with them.

Next are my amazing friends and family, the ones that came flooding into the MRI scan, they have made me laugh, cry think sense and nonsense. I'm not a religious person but right now I thank God with every ounce for bringing these people into my life, I don't know how or why I have them all. But am eternally grateful they are with me.

Finally the one who raised the alarm, I think I have frightened the life out of this wonderful, incredible and beautiful woman. She shouted at me for my daughters phone number, called my daughter, a complete stranger and told her there was something wrong and she quite possibly saved my life, bless her she's only known me 7 weeks. Some people are meant to be in your life and she absolutely was at that time.

Soooooooooo it's moving on time, a nice lay in, in my spare bedroom in my second home (thanks to another amazing friend) in my Dads bed (obv he's not in it anymore) and I have to try and get a life changing life started. Lets start with my mobile, 3 phone calls, a lot of tears and then give up, 3 won't give you free stuff, even if you have got a brain tumor!

Give up work, bugger, I actually love my new job selling holidays but it has to go on the back burner and thankfully is being taken over by colleagues and friends.

Claim the benefits - urgh 1 hour and 40 minutes and then the call ending in tears and I think I've done it.

Give up my car, not allowed to drive when you've got a bonkers brain eh, Probably not a bad thing.

Speak to a support worker???? OMFG I had to tell her after seven minutes to STOP TALKING, listening to her experiences of not driving for 2 and a half years and don't let them cut it out cos if they get the wrong bit you'll have a stroke - I did not need to hear that.

Now something strange has happened and that is that I've started getting on with people I have never got on with before. No names to be mentioned as they have been sooooooo lovely and have also made me laugh, I need the laughter.

Sleep time? OK then :)

Day 2 sinking in

My crazy thought process on this madness is that I love my personality so much I decided to grow an extra one, mad? But I don't feel anything other than mad right now.

He has a name, Amos. Several reasons for this but mainly because I am going to be staying at a friends house and her husband hates the soaps that I love. He messaged me saying that Emmerdale and Corrie was going to mash my brain, therefore Amos was from Emmerdale!!! Ridiculous but that is how things are going to be.

I am moved to another ward, this one has 3 young women, the one next to me has obviously been to a 3 day party,  she looks like she has partied the hardest but nobody reminded her to deodorise, the polite part of my brain wants to pass her some cleaning products,  Amos wants to tell her she fucking stinks! Turns out Amos has got gutter language.

Oh God I accidentally swore at the nurse who wanted to check my blood pressure at 2am, why? I'm not dying yet??? I apologised at 6.30am when I was woken up again for the same thing, sleep in hospital is not the best way to recover apparently.

The girls are here again and our hanging around boredom has them playing with the bed, nobody seems to know which of us is the patient and I feel like I am constantly being force fed hospital food.

I am allowed to leave the hospital today but not until I see the doctor, so with the girls arrival and whole day in the hospital we are hanging around until 6pm to be released and away we run, I am taken to a friends house which will be my home temporarily.

The beginning of Amos

I've got a tumour!!!!! How the hell did that happen?  Uninvited and unwelcome, he can bugger off now.
So I'll share the evening of his discovery.
Walking home from a rainy walk, I'm as usual on the phone having a natter, I don't realise it but I start talking weird, those who know me know that this us not unusual, but this weird talking was VERY weird. After a series of strange text messages, my not realising they were strange (I was simply trying to apologise) my friend raised the alarm and I got taken against my will to the hospital. Now at this point I truly believed I had nothing more than a water infection and that had mashed my head, strange but apparently true.

After an hour or so of laughter because I'm feeling better now, I got called to see the doctor and my terror started, I forgot my name, my friends name, everything and as I knew the weirdness was starting again I cried. I didn't know what was happening or why and I cried more.

This started a series of things, conversations, scans and questions. After several hours, my daughters arrival, my friend still there, we were shown the scan images and told I could have breast cancer, brain cancer or a collection of other possibilities. Terror does't tell you how I felt.

I am still acting a bit weird but anyone who knows me knows that this is not usually out if the blue but telling the hospital staff that "I do not like this hotel " as I'm being wheeled to my ward at 2am is not my usual weird!

The next day my girls arrive back at 9am and my relief to see them is more than I would have ever believed, I don't know how I brought up these amazing women but they are amazing, beautiful, clever, supportive and have turned  into my rocks.

So start the tests, MRI scan, 20 minutes of being stuck in a tube with a mirror showing you a pretty picture and the radio playing Ed Sheeran,  10 minutes in and the tears come, these weren't tears of being stuck in the tube, but tears of my own wow, wow for the amazing jobs I've had, wow for the amazing places I've been,  wow for the fantastic friends I've got and wow is this it?

This was 10am, after a FULL day of hanging around, laughing with the girls, chatting to the other patients and staff, watching my amazing girls interact with everyone, we finally get told the diagnosis. I am an enigma!  This is a meningioma, seemingly benign, a third of the size if the left of my brain, pushing to the front where the personality lives and they don't know what to do with it. Along come more and more tears.

I finally have time alone, the girls and a friend have taken their tears home and left me with mine and hours on the phone.  I don't want to go back to the ward so spend hours chatting on the phone trying to sort this rubbish out in my head. How the hell did this happen?