Fear Day

So today is the fear day, today is the day I wait for the phone call from the hospital to find out what's the future for Amos. I've woken up in fear, dizzy, sick and over riding fear. I wait and wait and wait, walk and wait, have a fabulous lunch and wait, walk some more and still wait. When the waiting has taken over my brain - my part not Amos, I finally call the hospital who haven't called me, the stress of them not knowing who I am has brought me to tears but finally I speak to someone who recognises my name and she has put a million of my fears to rest, they know me, they know about Amos and they are going to cut him away in about 6 weeks or so. This obviously brings a load more fears but at least I know what is going to happen. I finish the call and cry a little bit more.

I create a group to send a txt to let my nearest and dearest know whats happening and then I can switch my phone off and be normalish for an hour or so.

Of course the normality doesn't last for longer than an hour, I switch the phone on and it goes crazy, my nearest and dearest send their love, their thoughts and let me know that if I need anything I have a massive group of people I can call the reassurance brings the tears again - bloody ridiculous, I don't cry often but Amos is squeezing unwanted tears out of my eyes.

The sun is shining and I'm loving the sunshine, I miss Spain and two weeks ago I would have gone back in a heartbeart but now I def wouldn't, not only because I can't fly, what Captain would let Amos on a flight urgh, even the thought is horrid. But if this had all happened while I was working overseas I would not have the support I have now, Amos obviously had a plan for me.

The group message I sent yesterday has had a hilarious consequence when I've accidentally sent another to the group that was only supposed to go to one person. The message was a thankyou for my new M&S knickers to my God daughter, it was also to tell her how much I love her, how proud I am of her and how one day she will realise how amazing she is. As many teenagers she doesn't have the confidence she should. But oops, the message went to EVERYONE, including my ex husbands wife who told me she certainly had not bought be underwear, my Auntie who reminded me I'd borrowed a lot of knickers from her but she'd never bought me any and a phone call from a friend to make sure I wasn't having a seizure, this call included my giving the friend my full name, date of birth, address and an explanation as to the accidental thankyou for the knickers text. Oops Amos has struck again, but he has caused a morning of laughter. Thanks Amos, I still don't want to keep you tho, bloody typical, the only man in my life lives in my bloody head, I'm sure there's a name for that and I don't want it thankyou very much.

The thought in my head right now is I'm going to have staples in my head! What will they do with my hair? Will it all be cut off or will it be a patch? Should I have my hair restyled before they do it for me or should I wait to see what they are going to do? Will the staples be tiny or MASSIVE?????

The nature stuff tells me that I should have coconut oil massaged into my head to help with natural Amos shrinkage and I should burn frankincense oil to help with relaxation and eat loads of carcinogenic red food, peppers, carrots and oranges. Obviously as always cut out sugar and processed foods.Also CBD has a massive amount of good info, no that does not mean smoking a hash fag, love the smell (I know it's weird but I've always weirdly like the smell, not enough to smoke it tho) but CBD seems to have an amazing amount of good info, anythings worth a go except smoking the hash fags - I'm not doing that