One step forward and I've lost count of how many steps back

If I believed in the almighty I'd be asking myself if I'm making a HUGE mistake with starting this business malarkey or whether I should just stop now. It seems that every time I take a step forward something goes wrong and it's another step to get forward again. It was the scripts and I sorted that, slowly, very slowly but actually the scripts that I'm writing myself I like better than the ones I bought so that's OK. Then at the weekend my laptop died, literally died and took all my work with it, well took half of my work so here we go again aarrrgggghhhhhh and still counting on launching the website on 1st November but really is someone trying to tell me something???

It must be a moon rising or something with the weather because yesterday I cried in the street. I listened to 3 different conversations about money yesterday and they literally went from one mad extreme to one sad extreme and that's where I cried. On the bus to school there was a young Mum, she had her one year old(ish) in a childs buggy and got chatting to another young Mum about buggys, the younger of the two pointed out her buggy and said she's picked it up for £10 and it's the third one she's had, they break because she has to carry them up 12 flights of stairs to her flat, she was clean and tidy and so was her baby, she was so caring to her little one that it was a joy to watch her. Money is clearly tight for her but she seems to be doing a great job. Then at primary school in a pretty affluent area two Mums were chatting about holidays when one said that due to rising flight prices they won't be doing a Caribbean holiday next year, they'll be staying in Europe. Then at home I popped to the shop to see another homeless young guy sitting in the street, I overheard him saying to someone that he was hungry so as I picked up what I wanted I also picked up a sandwich from the reduced price shelf for him. When I went outside to give it to him he has been asked to move by the shop manager, I don't blame him, no business owner want a homeless person sitting possibly begging outside their front door. I gave the young guy the sandwich and was shocked to see him so clean looking and he had tears in his eyes while he asked me where he should go. He didn't want to go to a local church because the others there didn't accept him in either of their two groups, one a group of Eastern Europeans and the others a group of drugs and drinkers and he said he didn't fit into either of those groups. Having listened to the three different conversations was a real eye opener that the cost of living is so very different from different groups of society, some peoples lack of funds mean they have to change their holiday destinations, and others mind they have no food or shelter. It brought me to tears in the street. How as a society do we change this. What as a country can we do, we have so many people sleeping in the street, I've noticed the number growing so much recently yet buildings are going up and laying empty, is that right? Surely there is a heart beating in our government that knows something has to change? The flip side of this which prays on my mind a LOT is the welfare system, I now my thoughts on this are controversial when I say that we need to shake up the benefits system by getting those who are fit to work away from Netflix and working in the community, our streets need cleaning, old people and the disabled need help and we have thousands of people sitting in their front rooms watching TV and living off benefits. Other European countries don't have our welfares and if you don't work and pay into the system there is no money for you to claim out of it. Surely these people on welfare should be out doing something in the community to earn the welfare money that the state pays them? I may be wrong but I have had this conversation so many times and so many people agree with me. Things need to change.
My other thoughts this last few weeks have been is about the plastic and littler that we are drowning the world with, so heres the thing. We have islands of rubbish and plastic destroying our seas, we have areas all over the world that have mountains of rubbish and plastic that has nowhere to go so it's just building and building. Then we are having storms, volcanoes and severe weather changes and thousands of people are dying every week. The world is fighting back the race that is causing it damage.

Woah I'm deep and meaningful this week, it must be the moon or the weather

Onwards and upwards

It's been ages again, sorry but things have been sooooooo busy. I went on holiday to London to visit a friend and thought after a week of doing the brilliant tourist things, visiting the Palace, Liz was out so she didn't make me a cuppa. Doing the boat trips, theatre, Kew gardens, I know that's an old lady thing but it was so beautiful and I've wanted to go there since I was a child. I thought I'd end my visit with my special dance and a visit to the local hospital. Now I have to say that the hospital on the 'not posh' outside areas of London are very very different to the usually lovely hospital that I regularly visit here in delightful Devon. Here we often see one person handcuffed to a uniformed police officer, there it was 4 and one very very angry woman with worse language than mine stomping up and down the place like a fairy elephant. I woke up in the ambulance with a sore neck, a terrible headache (standard) and a really frightened friend. Also pissed off that it had happened again. I can try to put it down to a number of things, maybe I'd overdone it doing London in a day, maybe having a g&t or a glass of wine every evening was a bit too much, or maybe trying to change my CBD to a cheaper brand. The fact is I will never know, just another lesson to be careful again :(  

On a lighter note my website is amazing. I love the work going into it and the way it looks and I love that very soon I will be a member of working society again in the not too distant future. It feels great to be gently getting back to real life. I thought over the weekend that it would be a great idea to do a selection of facebook posts to offer some free hypnosis recordings, get some feedback and start a customer base, oops I woke up to 30 requests for help. Now the good thing on this is that I now know there is a potential to my business and I'm not just throwing my money away. It's also been a kick up the s=arse to get the recordings done, so I am getting working on them every day now and not just thinking about it. The biggest things I've been asked for are, weight loss, depression, fibromyalga and stopping smoking. Sad times really that fibromyalga and depression or sadness are so prevalent in our society, a wonderful thing that I just might be able to help even a few people to get over these issues without the use of chemical meds, that is exciting to me.

I'm going to end this weeks post with a great compliment about my blog and that is that it's a fun read because I don't have a filter and I don't intend to have one. I want readers to know what it feels like to have a crap day and shout about it. I want people to know that it's OK to shout and scream about having a crap day and about having a great one. And I want my readers to know that even when this blog goes onto my business page I have no intention of fluffing it up with sweetness and light. The thoughts that go on this page are my personal thoughts and this is a place where I don't have to be police, I save that for outside where other people are because really I am a polite and nice person, but my brain isn't always. Ooohhhhh that said I did want to ask the new mother of a very very, so new it's still pink baby is KFC really the nicest place to take this precious little bundle to in it's first days of life?

Ciao for now readers and have a great day :)

How the weeks are flying by so damn fast?

I'm just shocked at how it's been about 4 weeks since I last posted. The last 4 weeks have been literally mental (hahaha that's appropriate). I don't really know where to start with an update!!!

I house sat and dog sat for some friends which was fabulous because I also started working, the house, work and dogs was brilliant, the being woken up at 5am every morning wasn't I was knackered but there always has to be a little bit of a downfall eh. I loved being back to some work, it makes me feel like I'm almost normal again.

It's been confirmed that I have CFS/ME and have probably had it for 40 years or so, always moaning about being tired, always wanting a bit of a snooze. So this is it, I really do have to cut out the sugar and the processed food, sugar is my enemy, but it's hard I love a bar of chocolate at night on the sofa in front of the TV, I will seek help from Davina and Ella (as in deliciously Ella) to find/make a sugar free alternative. I remember complaining about being tired as a child and had to take iron tablets, then when I was expecting my first child and had to have iron injections in my bum every day. Then when I had just had my second child, I was shouted at by the Dr who said "you're always moaning that you're tired", I don't like being shouted at so never went back. Then 5 years ago when I had a meltdown in work they told me I had CFS/ME, I was in Spain and knew I needed to sort my diet out but didn't bother for whatever reason. Now it's time to take control and pull myself together, I can do this, just need a kick up the bum and a reason. I've got the reason.

Then I moved home, I literally love my new flat although I have no idea how I managed to fit so much stuff into a smaller home because I can't unpack everything here. How does one woman really need more than 2 boxes of bags, scarves and shoes??? I do not know and I thought I was careful about material stuff, massive wrong!!!

I finished my walk completing over 200 miles walked and raising more than £800 which I am thrilled about. I want to do more stuff though. I want to raise more awareness of the illness, awareness of how to find a cure and awareness of how many people are effected by it. I want to be part of the group of people who work tirelessly to do all of that.

I went on holiday with my girls, we stayed in a cavehouse in Santorini, it was incredible. We spent the anniversary of my 10 hour surgery sipping wine on the terrace of a stunning restaurant. I wanted to make a different memory rather than spending every day of that year thinking about the day my life was saved by a disc being cut out of my skull and a tumour the size of a small orange being removed from my head. A new memory has been created. I think I should do this every year from now on, to give us all a different way to think on that one day.

I'm home and trying to sort myself out into my new life. My website is almost ready to be a business. I've got a million plans for things to do (well maybe not quite a million but a few) I want the website to be up and running, I want to start two evenings a week teaching meditation classes with mindfulness. I want to get my sewing machine back out and make some designs that I've had for ages. With this in mind (get it mindfulness and mind?) rent a small room to store my designs for sale and my small meditation classes, I even think I might have a room a few doors away, we'll see, that's all a long way away but it's something to look forward to.

With all the business going on I've been trying to learn and practice mindfulness with the help of Ruby Wax's book and an app called headspace, they are both brilliant. Some days I fail miserably and others I just start off calm and continue that way. It's certainly my aim to stop letting things make me upset, angry or just plain miserable. My aim is to be calm and relaxed every day. There are days when I fill myself up with so much stuff I feel like I don't have time to be calm, these are the days when I really need it the most, just that 10 minutes a day in the words of the brilliant Andy Puddicombe.

First I have to start at the beginning and sort my diet out and get rid of the sugar. Also get beack to doing my fitness, not done any for AGES so get my arse back in gear before it becomes my enlarging arse again hehehe

On that note I am going to make a cuppa and get in my PJ's before watching some trashy TV

As always I wish you all well and hope that in the next few weeks I'll be telling you I have my new sparkly business up and running and will be a working hypnotherapist and meditation teacher

Be well and happy

How up and down is it acceptable have in two weeks?

Really this last two or three weeks have been ridiculous. I've had a double ear infection which didn't want to go away after the first bout of antibiotics so had to have a second week of them. I knew it was time to get to the Dr when a petit mal started making the TV go odd again, I now know that when I think I've seen or heard that before, the deja vu is starting and I need to sit down. I also know that my little dog knows it too because she taps my leg until I sit down and then she stays by my side, bless her. So resting took place and the antibiotics. My Dr told me that anyone in my position will have more potential of getting a seizure with any form of infection, so I need to get to the doc as soon as I know I'm not quite right.

Like I say the first lot didn't get rid of it so I had to have another lot, I knew that I wasn't right when I had a full gran mal and ended up back in hospital for the night again. Obviously as usual I don't remember the 'special dance' that I reserve for my daughters. This time though I woke up with a cracking bruise on my hip, a swollen ankle and a really really sore throat, ear and tongue from where I must have thought it was a good idea to bite myself! Now whether this was from missing a CBD dose or the gin and tonic (the neurologist says that would have been fine) or stress over money worries that have all come at once, or whatever other reason I can think of. The upside of this seizure though is another MRI, which I don't get scared about anymore and it shows no change which is great.

I am still walking and raining money and hopefully awareness for brain tumour research. I am astounded at the amount of messages I've had from strangers, of the people who have stopped me in the street to tell me their stories or put some money in the pot. I am determined to get this known to the masses in the same way as breast cancer and prostate cancer is. So I'm keeping walking.

I'm also moving up, out and on. To a new flat in a beautiful seafront tourist area near to where my new workplace is going to be and looking over one of my favourite garden spots in the world. My website for my new business is also being built right now and soon it will be up and running and I will be a real businesswoman. It's super exciting and super scary but with so much to look forward to I really need to be calm in my head and not let excitement take me over, which I know I have a massive potential to do.

The CBD and medical cannabis news in the UK has gone bananas with Charlotte Caldwell and the story of her little boy, it seems that things really are going forward with the whole thing and maybe it will be available on the NHS very soon. I had a conversation with my new neurologist this week who was confused as to why I don't like taking the chemical medications that are tried and tested by big pharma and approved by them but that I am happy to take the CBD oil that is produced naturally in the UK, tested and approved all over the world and although (what I'm taking) is legal and is making a great difference in how I feel. I got to the point of not furthering the conversation with him but he knows that I'm taking it and have no intention of stopping.

My cutting out sugar has failed miserably this last few weeks, once I am in my new place and back to a  more normal time I'll read that book properly and get onto a sugar free life, brain and body.

So many ups and downs with the charity, the fundraising, the job, the business and the home move. Then there's the seizures, the being told to start living and stop wrapping myself up in cotton wool and the seizures. I forget how terrifying it is to totally lose control of myself and have no memory of it happening. I have to find a way to get over that. 20 weeks though, it's the longest I've gone without a seizure by 6 weeks. So fingers crossed that the next one is much much further away. The electric flashes in my head have my full permission to slow down now.

And on that note it's time for a cup of camomile tea and bed time.

Have a great week everyone, I'll aim to be more upbeat next week.

Ooh and just in case you want to please take a look at the justgiving page, add some money and share it around
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/victoria-bradley5

Thanks

What has been horrible is becoming something amazing

As I'm writing this I have tears in my eyes, and a few rolling down my face. I have spent the day with my daughter helping her move into her beautiful new home with her fabulous boyfriend and her delightful boy. We've going through old photos and memories, books and toys of my grandsons. I think that exactly the time I am cooking dinner this time last year we were being told that I had a tumour living in my head, I didn't take it in, I couldn't take it in, my daughters cried, my friend cried and I was dumbfounded, not knowing what was going to happen and definately not taking in the enormity of 'brain tumour'.

Since that time, I have continued to scare the living daylights out of everyone close to me with seizures and surgery and more seizures. I have worked, read, studied, fought the agencies and cried, cried and then cried some more. I have made amazing friends from all over the world who are my backbone, I would never have met a lot of these people if it hadn't been for this awful 'thing'! I always knew that family isn't just blood (although mine are awesome) but they are also the people you choose to have by your side, they will stick by you through thick and thin, they will stick by through the good times and the bad, they will hold you when you cry and poke you when you need to laugh.

I have learned, and am still learning a new way of life, I have learned new skills that I have wanted for years and years. I am going to start a new version of myself, a different version me, maybe calmer and kinder, I like that version of myself.

I've learned that when you have a toxic person in your life they have to be removed, it's hard and there is a mourning period but it's worth it to take away that toxicity. I have also learned that some people will step away from you because they can't handle the fear, I cried over these but honestly if they can't handle me when I need them they don't deserve me when I'm at my best, so they have been removed too.

I am now shouting from the rooftops about brain tumour research, I am aiming to be an ambassador for this vital research for people all over the world. The world knows about breast cancer, prostate cancer, leukemia and these are also vital cancers that need to be irradicated but so is brain tumours. I want it known everywhere and by everyone that work needs to be done to stop these horrible and silent things living in our heads, the uninvited lodgers that so many of us give names to just to get to grips with the situation. I want to fight to see this research find a cure quicker.

I am in tears now, not tears of fear and sadness anymore but tears of joy, relief and gratitude. I can't even have a glass of wine though cos I'm on antibiotics. Not to worry, Thursday evening will be served with a very small glass of wine :)

I will continue the fight and will continue to raise money for the fight, if you are reading this and want to join me follow this link https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/victoria-bradley5 

Wow a busy time and then theres sugar!

It's been a majorly busy week with the children on school holidays, a wedding, preparing for work and my fresh start, a hen night, a wedding, an appointment to set up my website (woohoo expensive but exciting), and appointment with the brain tumour lady to charity fundraise and trying to do hypnosis recordings without the dog snoring in the background!

I am OK, taking time to rest and relax in between the growing list of things to do and so far  I think I'm doing pretty good. 

Lets start at the beginning, the wedding was amazing, I had the loveliest time, I didn't look ill, in fact I looked great in my beautiful dress and high heels and even a glass of prosecco, I caught the brides bouquet and I danced and laughed. All in all a wonderful wedding.

The website people are fabulous and are going to be able to get everything I want to start my healing business of to an incredible start. Like I said before exciting and expensive :)

The appointment with the lady from Brain Tumour research was incredible, so much so I cried after, I never used to cry it's annoying. I am going to start my walk this weekend, can't believe it's a year since all this started. She is going to support me and provide me with everything I need to promote the charity. I have a couple of t-shirts that I'll be wearing a lot to show who I am going to be supporting. I've been invited to visit the research lab and see what work is happening, I've been asked to be interviewed, I'm not sure about that yet and I will be introduced to various people. I've been described as an inspiration, I honestly don't know how true that is, I think more tenacious. I'm going to go putting my posters up in as many places as I can to get money given to the just giving page. I am now passionate about this charity.

And now I'm back on the subject of food, I got into a conversation with someone last week who told me that there is a proven link between tumours growing and sugar, as an ice cream fan this breaks my heart, unless my amazing ice cream man can make me a sugar free ice cream. So I'm back to the reading to see if and what the link is and should I really consider cutting sugar out of my diet. The first thing I read was sugar awakens cancer cells, so far that makes me miserable. I'll be honest there is a LOT to read on the link of sugar to cancer and tumours and it's ALL bad. So I am genuinely thinking of cutting out my sugar intake, which is a lot more limited than it used to be thanks to slimming world, but as many ladies I do get 'times' that I literally crave sugar and nothing else can fill the gap. I know that the chocolate and sugar is just not good for me but the thought it could be a contributing factor to my uninvited head guest growing back into his bungalow is terrifying. So Davina McCall is coming to my rescue again with her 5 weeks to sugar free. The thing that I know I will struggle with most is how to replace the sweet stuff, I understand that like any other addiction it'll take a couple of weeks to get the sugar out of my system and then I won't get the cravings. So once the alpen lights have gone they won't be replaced. I think tomorrow morning I will be doing a sugar addiction recording and putting myself on a 4 week course of it. I love that I can do this for myself and feel good for it. I am looking forward to seeing a brighter skin and as always I am looking at increasing energy levels, I'm always looking at increasing my energy levels and now that almost everything else is either taken out or put in, the only thing left to change is sugar, so that's it I will speak to the ice cream man and have him find me a sugar free ice cream that I will LOVE

Davina has done a few interviews on her sugar free diet, I still love her even though she didn't reply to my message ages ago. Here is one of her interviews http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2892387/Food-exclusive-Davina-s-5-Weeks-Sugar-Free.html

Have a tipple or a drink?

As I wrote last week I was tired, and have continued to be. I knew I had been over busying myself but I might also have been dehydrated so have been drinking more water, this of course means I need a wee every 10 minutes but it's helping me feel a fair bit less rubbish. Of course I had to have a read on the benefits of water and why it is actually good for me in all areas so here are a few things I've learned this week.

It's true there is more water to your body than anything else, 60% I feel sloshy. When you're dehydrated you feel tired, sluggish, heavy, headachy, your urine is strong and often stingy (nice thought eh?), the water intake stops this and the extra weeing is cleaning the toxins out, the less bright and strong your wee is the cleaner your insides are, good to know hahaha. Keeping up your water intake instead of a cuppa, usually a coffee (which is dehydrating itself) for me definately helps keep everything in check. I definately feel less tired, I also feel less tired, great for the dieters like me, I've started having a glass of water instead of a snack just to check am I really hungry or just greedy and bored?

I'm hoping keeping my water intake up is going to do my skin good too, I want to look 20 again hahahaha. Honestly I know that's not going to happen without a skin graft but every now and again, especially when I'm tired I do spot myself in the mirror and think woah that's sad, have another glass of water.

I have a few friends who are runners and I do my yoga, keeping your water intake up is good for the muscles and with not enough of it we definately feel more sluggish. Increase your water before, during and after your workout helps you workout better.

If you are dehydrated your brain finds it harder to work, it has less concentration. Drinking enough water helps with your concentration, mood, brain function, memory and cognition. Hmmmmmm these are what I need to know. I knew that one of my seizures was partly because I was dehydrated but I didn't realise it wasn't just a 'me' thing.

So keep drinking, keep eating foods with lots of fluid, like apples, cucumber and watermelon just to name a few.

The other side of things have been great. I have a meeting next week with the brain tumour research charity who are going to support me on my month long walk, I'm thrilled. I want it to get the exposure of the charity seen and heard more.

I've also finally got my neurology appointment for June. This makes me nervous because it brings it all back that I'm not 100% and probably won't be for a while. That said it'll be good to see things moving forwards. I am now 15 weeks since my last gran mal, that's the longest I've gone for which is amazing. I can definately do more. I am definately less tired and can concentrate and remember better. CBD? maybe. Healing? maybe. A mixture of the two with a good diet and plenty of water? Most likely.

Remember to take a break, read a book and have a cuppa

It's very easy to see things going so well that you take on more stuff and try to get back to the person you were before. It doesn't take long for the fatigue to kick back in but it does take longer for you to realise that you're overdoing it. 

In the last few weeks I have overdone it, making things at the sewing machine for my daughters and their new homes. Making stuff for a friend and her charity work. Trying to build a website and start a new business (failing miserably), sticking to my healthy eating (failed at that pretty miserably too), walking the dog, starting a litter cleaning campaign because my local park which should be beautiful looks like a dustbin and on and on and on the list goes. This week it's hit me that I need to stop, slow down, read a book, have a cuppa, watch rubbish on TV and just take a break. 

Things are moving ahead fast with jobs in the future pipeline and stuff which is amazing but really maybe I'm not as ready as I think I am. 

That said, my weight loss has reached it's target woohoo, thanks slimming world. It looks like I'm moving home at the end of the year and that comes with a new job again woohoo. The local council and police seem to be bored of my rantings and have arranged to meet me tomorrow for a 'chat', I will try not to rant, it gives me a headache, maybe I will pull the brain tumour bomb tho hahahahaha.

The fabulous computer I bought is turning out to be hard work too, I have no idea how to use it so I've given up the ghost and thanks to PPI I have employed someone to build my website, thanks Arnie for making me look into it :)

So my note to self this week is slow down, you're not quite ready to live at 100 miles an hour yet and you really don't have to, take my own medicine and rest and chill out time. 


On this note I'm signing off to relax with homemade beetroot and chilli crisps with homemade hummus. Maybe a glass of wine, do I dare???

A brain box, a dickhead and the light is getting brighter

I got a brain box this week from brain trust, it's full of brilliant information, a fantastic book and a packet of tea bags. It seems like a lovely gift that I could have done with months ago, the things you learn as time goes on. Thankyou though to the brain trust for this fabulous gift. I also saw today that my local bus company are supporting brain tumour research, it was the weirdest surprise to see posters all over the bus. The other passengers must have thought (again) what a lunatic I was taking photos of all of the posters, which are now on my facebook to raise more and more money for brain tumour research, it's startling to know that only 1% of money raised goes towards brain tumour research which also kills more than any other cancer to children and adults under 40. Startling and sad to me anyway. I want to do something to raise money for this so I am looking at a sponsored walk by myself, 150 miles in a month. Hmmmm that seems more than doable :)

I've had yet another PIP assessment this week, they apparently don't have enough information, I think it's more likely that the lady who came was too positive towards me and my claim, so I had the huge list again for my brother, every time we have to do this it bring me to tears as a reminder of how my life has changed and what I have to do every day to protect myself. On that note though I am proud of how far I have come and what I have to look forward to, I just don't wanted to be reminded every damn week!!!

So the battle starts again, I feel stronger and more in a position to take on the establishment that caused me so much distress at the beginning of this bloody PIP business. We finally got the reason why I had to have another assessment. The second assessment was such a huge difference to the first that they had to check it. I explained to the lady who did the third one that the reason of the difference was because the first assessment was by a horrible man who brought me to tears and a seizure and completely lied on his whole assessment. So where I had not accepted it but shelved the companies standard apology I am now ready to go to war. That made me miserable and frightened for a lot longer than I needed to be. So let the battle commence. My MP asked me what conclusion I wanted to see, obviously hung, drawn and quartered isn't really an option in the western world anymore, what about bringing back the witch drowning? or maybe even beheading????? No then a proper apology, all of his assessments to be evaluated and a full employment procedure, let the bastard know what it feels like to be thought of as I liar. Aaahhhhhhhh I feel better now and breathe :)

My final news for this week is that my light has been switched on and is beautifully bright. Not only am I starting up my hypnosis and meditation website and soon to start classes. I have been offered a job with a new apartment included. I am going back to the tourist industry, which I know, love and am really good at. It's staying in my home town, in a fabulous seaside location with a fabulous apartment. I will be able to do both businesses side by side. They say everything happens for a reason and it seems my tumours reason was to put me in a new direction, Amos has caused me hell but he has also taught me that life really is too short, quite often so are memories so I am making as many as I can. Dump the idiots who drag you down and stick to the people that lift you up, make you feel great, make you laugh. He gave me the time to study things I've wanted to do for years and complete them. Amos (Hmmmmm I can't believe I'm actually talking to my dead brain tumour!), thankyou for making me realise all these things, you are not invited back but thankyou all the same.

In all honesty, if you're reading this and fancy giving some meditation or hypnosis a try, message me and I will happily send you a free recording of what you would like.

Have a great week

WTF???

OK so it's time to get working and getting a website built, I honestly haven't got a bloody clue what to do, I get started, think I know what I'm doing and then spend 3 days stuck, seriously WTF

The do to list

Build a website - I thought I knew how to do that
Link it to my blog (here) - Not a bloody clue how to do that
Get the shop (for meditations and hypnosis recording available onto) - Not sure how to do that
Record 300 hypnosis sessions........... - I know how to do that, thank goodness
Get the affiliates (the companies I want to advertise) to work with me - I don't know how to do that
Get the affiliates listed on the blog - No idea
Get payment methods added so my new customers can pay for stuff - hahahaha, I don't know how to do that either

I think I might need some help

On the flip side, my local bus company is supporting brain tumour research, completely stopped me in my tracks to have that bus stop for me when it was unusually 20 minutes late. It stopped me having a winge at the stressed driver, stressed because it was a really really busy bus. The other passengers must have thought I was bonkers (no change there then) when I was snapping photos of all the posters. I am now getting in contact with the bus company to try and organise a fund raising thing to work with them and raise some money for brain tumour research, It's heartbreaking to know that of all monies raised for cancer only 1% goes to brain tumour research. More children die from brain tumours than any other cancers, more adults under 40 die from brain tumours than any other cancers. What a miserable thought that we know all about the breast cancers and prostrate cancers, the lung cancers and just about all other cancers but not brain, I don't understand how this works and it makes me miserable to think about it so I am stopping now and getting back to doing the thing that I haven't got a bloody clue how to get started. If that doesn't addle my brain it's a sign that I'm definitely on the mend

OMG I've actually done it

Omg I've done it

Hi,

Many thanks for sending your exam papers and recording. 

We have now carefully assessed these and are happy to congratulate you on gaining your Diploma in Hypnotherapy through Hypnotic World.

Your diploma and membership certificate to the PHPA will be posted to you next week. 
We listened to your audio recording and this was very nice; your tonal delivery and pacing were good and you left appropriate pauses where necessary.  I'm sure your clients will enjoy listening to you.

This was part of the email I got this week and I am ecstatic. 9 months starts here. In 9 months I am now a qualified meditation instructor, a qualified natural therapist and now a fully qualified hypnotherapist. I literally can't believe how much I've achieved in what has been some of the shittiest and most frightening 9 months of my life EVER, but I've done it.

Now the work starts, my list is long and hilarious, I'm not really sure where to start. I need to get my website built and up and running, record my free to download meditation sessions and my purchasable hypnosis sessions. Get my website linked to this blog, I'd like to say my amazing blog because I really do love it so much, I love the writing time and my readers comments. I want to link all these to my favourite companies that I mention on here too, I really don't know how to do that and get paid for it! Then there's the advertising, I don't really know how to do that either. Then I want to start doing meditation classes, free to start with for hospital staff, they work so very hard and I'd love to give them something back to teach them to relax and be calm and I have to think of my business name!!!! Not sure what that's going to be yet.

So my friend was right when she said the miracle 9 month mark, this is the start to my new normal and I am excited, I didn't think I'd be saying that anytime soon.

9 months and a new dog?!

I've just realised I'm now at the magical 9 months, this is the 9 months where aparently things magically start to change for the best and better. Fingers crossed

I've got a dog! My daughters thought I needed some company and a reason to get out, to be honest I don't need a reason  to get out and I am very happy with the company I have but I have gone along with them and have welcomed 7 year old Luna into my tiny home. She is very sweet and so far is settling in nicely, we have gone out for walks (which I did anyway) and met some of the neighbours and their pets which was nice. My step count has gone up massively from my daily 10,000 to about average 18,000.

I'm still taking my CBD oil and honestly am feeling a million times better, I don't know if it's the healing or the vitamin c or the cbd but whichever it is I am happy. I had another look at the health benefits of turmeric, I make a latte with my turmeric and coconut oil which I do most days and I do actually enjoy it as my afternoon cuppa. On my reading I've come up on some reading on the epilepsy foundation and  have come up with some research that I didn't expect to find that there is a possibility that turmeric and it's curcumin can help with seizures, now that is truly incredible, below are the links for a read. I am making mine in my nutribullet, half a teaspoon of Lucy Bee turmeric (because it has ginger and black pepper in it and I know it's 100% natural) and I have this with boiling water and a teaspoon of coconut oil, nutribullet it for 8 seconds and it's a latte, sometimes I add cinnamon to it, sometimes I don't just for a bit of sweetness.

https://www.epilepsy.com/connect/forums/medication-issues/curcumin-tumeric-and-seizure-control
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20840851

I am now off the happy pills, I don't miss them because I'm guessing they've been replaced with the vitamin b and that's good news for me. That's 2 lots of chemicals, only got the keppra now and that's going to take a while longer depending on whether or not I am going to have any seizures. Speaking of which, I am now longer than my diary from last week on my gran mals, fingers crossed this is going to last longer and longer. I had to speak to my GP this week and she wanted to take a blood test to check out my vitamin b, I had to ask her what her thoughts on regarding medicinal cannabis, her response was as expected that she could not have a view, of course I had to tell her I am taking it because it will probably come up in my blood test that is a useless process because I'm already taking vitamin b and it's already helping, I don't feel like burdening the NHS more than it needs to be burdened.

I am aiming to live as much a chemical free life as possible, I feel I am becoming the best that I can as an environmentalist, I don't use plastic bags I have got rid of most of my chemical cleaning products and am in the process of replacing them with my fabulous new steam cleaner (yes the TV shopping is still continuing), I literally love my steam cleaner, my bathroom is a sparkling gleam with not a chemical cleaner in sight.

I am back to studying this week and this time I am learning about mindfulness, I've not looked at this before so I am going to a class tomorrow, a nice quiet class with a nice quiet friend to see how this can be used to further my future career. I am also looking at the future of this blog. It's a tough thing to learn about how to increase my readership but I will continue. It was recommended the other day by a reader to turn this into a book. I don't feel it's ready for that yet, I want to be able to talk about the keppra some more.

I am another week free of seizures and dizzy spells, up on my workouts and all in all feeling pretty good, even though I had to tell my grand daughter twice last week to stop talking because she was wearing my brain out. Bless her, we rested watching grease the movie.

At this point dear reader I am going to sign off and get some work done with my studying, I've been soooooo lazy the past few weeks it's now time to pull it together and get some reading time in.

Have a great week and healthy, happy wishes to you all :)

Hair, body and mind

My hair is growing thick, long, strong and curly. I have always had thin, straight hair so this is different. I do love my new hair growth but honestly right now I resemble my Dads hair, curly quiff!!!

I feel awake and alive and I'm loving it, still I know not to overdo things but really I'm genuinely feeling great, so much that it's time to think about holidays woohoo. I'm hoping to go and stay with friends in sunny Spain in August, a bit (or a lot) of sunshine, some pool and beach time and some natural brown legs and not the fake tan, although it has to be said the fake tan is doing me proud for now, thanks skinnytan :)

I have bought myself a present proskins leggins and a top, this stuff is meant to be brilliant for skin firming and anti cellulite. Now I am lucky that I don't have any cellulite, well not that I can see anyway but I do have the baggy arms which I hate and I would like to firm my belly (I know I know wouldn't we all) but this stuff has great reviews so when I was given a cash gift from a friend I thought it was a good opportunity to spend it on these really expensive leggins and a matching top. Supposedly wearing them for 8 hours a day will improve my skin complex and work towards toning my baggy areas. The weirdest of it is it doesn't need to be washed for 2 weeks, honestly I'm not sure how I feel about that. I felt bad enough when we had the snow and I wore the same pyjamas for 3 days!! But these come highly rated by QVC (yes I am still shopping from TV, I think I might have developed a bit of a problem) and a few very good looking sportspeople, so I will wear them constantly, yes I might never take them off, they are really comfy.
https://proskins.co/

Now for any gentlemen who may read this I want to apologise in advance for this next paragraph, skip ahead, honestly it's a womens thing! Since I had my youngest (now 27 year old) daughter I have had a monthly boob/breast issue! I had mastititis after she was born and have got it during my period ever since. As a result of this I have the depo injection every 3 months, it stops me getting a period and therefore stops my boobs swelling up massively painfully and feeling like very heavy bullets. I've read (honestly I have) about how hormones like the injection and other forms of contraception can be another cause towards our tumours, whether or not this is true I honestly don't know and I don't believe that anyone really does. But, I have decided that it's time to stop having the jab. I only realised this morning that I'm now two weeks overdue my injection, usually at this stage of lateness I would be struggling with my sore and swollen boobs but I'm not. They are still soft and normal (I'm so sorry you are having to read this, I am literally sharing my whole life). Now whether this is just a coincidence or it's the vitamin b or the cbd I have no idea, but it's (fingers crossed) one less chemical for my body to have inside it and that makes me very happy. 

I also know that now I am feeling not so urgh all the time, definately thanks to the vitamin b and the cbd oil and cutting down the anti depressants, I want to get back to some fitness, I still can't do the gym because I still can't stand the noise so it's home working out that I'm on and I am doing a little more every week and loving it. Still being careful to modify so as not to knock myself out with a dizzy spell or seizure!!! Sooooo I'm on Beachbody Piyo, definately my favourite, I don't do the drench and other long workouts but the core and buns are perfect for me. I do Oxycise, this is brilliant breathing, great for a wake up if I've had lazy days. The firm fitness has been this week, slim in 30 is bloody hard so I really have had to modify everything but I love that I'm being able to do more and more.

I am determined to look bikini fabulous, well as bikini fabulous as a 40 something year old grandmother of 2 and brain tumour survivor can look. Actually that little lot makes me bloody amazing :)

My thoughts are clearer, I have been so good at forgetting the words I want to say or write, until the last few weeks I would just give up trying to remember the word but I have learned that if I stop, breathe and consider the word comes back to me. It's amazing. I wonder if I am going to be my old self again or even just a different version of myself. Either way I am happy, I have a great future to look forward to and things in the pipeline. Maybe I'll turn this blog into a book when I'm off the meds and the seizures stop (notice I'm now saying when and not if), what do you think?

So all of the positive stuff I've written and then this morning I looked in my diary and I am due a gran mal, I know I need to stop thinking about it and stop worrying about it but it's there gnawing away at the back of my head and I am scared and I am worried and what if all this good stuff I'm doing is for nothing? I also know that I am hitting the 9 month post surgery mark and this morning a friend (who has been through the similar experience as me so knows what she's talking about), this is apparently a magic marker that things start to go the right way. Note to self sit down, have a cuppa, read a good book and don't worry

A not so gentle reminder

These are not my words, they were from a facebook post I read months ago and kept the words. To the person who really did write the below words I'm sorry I don't know who you are. They resonate and as I found them again last week they made me cry because the truth is real.

Every day I put my make up on, twice a week I put fake tan on my face so that others don't see my dealthy pale face. Every month I get my nails and eyebrows done. I have never considered myself to be vain until this happened. I might feel like the rubbish in the below words but I don't let others see that. For that reason most people think I'm fine, I have to remind myself and some others close to me that I'm not but I will get there, it'll just take a while.

Not everyone recognises having a brain tumour as having an aquired brain injury but the damage caused by the tumour itself and by the treatments, surgery, chemo or radiotherapy, for some all three, can add up to a very serious brain injury.

"I need a lot more rest than I used to. I’m not being lazy. I get physical fatigue as well as a “brain fatigue.” It is very difficult and tiring for my brain to think, process, and organize. Fatigue makes it even harder to think.

My stamina fluctuates, even though I may look good or “all better” on the outside. Cognition is a fragile function for a brain injury survivor. Some days are better than others. Pushing too hard usually leads to setbacks, sometimes to illness.

Brain injury rehabilitation takes a very long time; it is usually measured in years. It continues long after formal rehabilitation has ended. Please resist expecting me to be who I was, even though I look better.

I am not being difficult if I resist social situations. Crowds, confusion, and loud sounds quickly overload my brain, it doesn’t filter sounds as well as it used to. Limiting my exposure is a coping strategy, not a behavioral problem.

If there is more than one person talking, I may seem uninterested in the conversation. That is because I have trouble following all the different “lines” of discussion. It is exhausting to keep trying to piece it all together. I’m not dumb or rude; my brain is getting overloaded!

If we are talking and I tell you that I need to stop, I need to stop NOW! And it is not because I’m avoiding the subject, it’s just that I need time to process our discussion and “take a break” from all the thinking. Later I will be able to rejoin the conversation and really be present for the subject and for you.

Try to notice the circumstances if a behavior problem arises. “Behavior problems” are often an indication of my inability to cope with a specific situation and not a mental health issue. I may be frustrated, in pain, overtired or there may be too much confusion or noise for my brain to filter.

Patience is the best gift you can give me. It allows me to work deliberately and at my own pace, allowing me to rebuild pathways in my brain. Rushing and multi-tasking inhibit cognition.

Please listen to me with patience. Try not to interrupt. Allow me to find my words and follow my thoughts. It will help me rebuild my language skills.

Please have patience with my memory. Know that not remembering does not mean that I don’t care.

Please don’t be condescending or talk to me like I am a child. I’m not stupid, my brain is injured and it doesn’t work as well as it used to. Try to think of me as if my brain were in a cast.

If I seem “rigid,” needing to do tasks the same way all the time; it is because I am retraining my brain. It’s like learning main roads before you can learn the shortcuts. Repeating tasks in the same sequence is a rehabilitation strategy.

If I seem “stuck,” my brain may be stuck in the processing of information. Coaching me, suggesting other options or asking what you can do to help may help me figure it out. Taking over and doing it for me will not be constructive and it will make me feel inadequate. (It may also be an indication that I need to take a break.)

You may not be able to help me do something if helping requires me to frequently interrupt what I am doing to give you directives. I work best on my own, one step at a time and at my own pace.

If I repeat actions, like checking to see if the doors are locked or the cooker is turned off, it may seem like I have OCD — obsessive-compulsive disorder — but I may not. It may be that I am having trouble registering what I am doing in my brain. Repetitions enhance memory. (It can also be a cue that I need to stop and rest.)

If I seem sensitive, it could be emotional lability as a result of the injury or it may be a reflection of the extraordinary effort it takes to do things now. Tasks that used to feel “automatic” and take minimal effort, now take much longer, require the implementation of numerous strategies and are huge accomplishments for me.

We need cheerleaders now, as we start over, just like children do when they are growing up. Please help me and encourage all efforts. Please don’t be negative or critical. I am doing the best I can.

Don’t confuse Hope for Denial. We are learning more and more about the amazing brain and there are remarkable stories about healing in the news every day. No one can know for certain what our potential is. We need Hope to be able to employ the many, many coping mechanisms, accommodations and strategies needed to navigate our new lives. Everything single thing in our lives is extraordinarily difficult for us now. It would be easy to give up without hope."

The brain is definitely working

I've worked my poorly little brain a lot the last few weeks. I've put myself on yet another course, mindfulness this time. I think that once I've completed that the four courses that I have under my belt will set me up for a great future business and that's exciting. Thank goodness for groupon, it keeps having these courses for really good affordable prices, so I can keep studying :)

I've been asked to help a couple of people out with hypnosis, I have a chap who has got terrible sleeping habits and another who can't eat any fruit or veg. I'm going to use them as practise (obviously they know this, I'm not just letting them think I really know what I'm doing). I have worked so hard to get to this point but now I'm being asked to help someone it's nerve racking. This really does mean it's time to start using what I've learned.

I've also been doing the brain training  https://www.lumosity.com/ some days I really don't like it because it's tiring but most days I'm doing it and beating my daily scores. Then there's the Spanish https://www.duolingo.com/course/es/en/Learn-Spanish-Online are both free apps that I've been using most days, they really good and giving me the kick up the bum that I've needed to keep going, I don't like missing days on either of these so I make time to slot them in. Finally on my learning is Spanish again, Michele Tomas is a reknowned language teacher, I bought his Spanish course years and years ago, it's great to put on the audio on my phone and listen to while I'm getting my steps in. I am feeling accomplished and maybe a tiny bit smug :) My next step on this is to see if I can find a Spanish group to join, socially I don't know how I'll manage but I think it might be time to try something new.

I've had another benefits assessment this week, this time I am not doing it on my own, my brother (the rottweiler) is my support. He had reams of paper of information. The organisation had already been told by my brother not to send the previous vile assessor as he caused me so much distress that he brought on a seizure. So this time it was a lady and genuinely she was lovely, shocked when we told her about the past experience. As well as the assessment went it brings back all the bloody awful stuff again, listening to my brother explain the security thing that I have to carry around in case of emergencies or how my social life has changed and my life nearly brought me to tears. I'm not sure about how I felt when he told her that some days he turns up to pop in and I haven't even got out of my pyjamas!!!! They are very nice, comfy, warm fleecy pyjamas! That and then my daughters telling me they think it's time I go back to work - I think they are getting bored of worrying about me. I'm bored of worrying about me. I'm ashamed to say that a shitty facebook post has told a few people how fed up I am of them :( (not proud of that at all!!)

So here goes on the medication. I am now taking 2 drops in the morning and 2 drops in the afternoon of the CBD and I generally feel great, sleep well, fog lifting for longer and longer periods of the day. I sleep well too, it seems to take me ages to go to bed as I'm more awake but I sleep like a log. I've also got the balm which I am putting on my scar which honestly feels like it's softening and shrinking. This stuff is literally like magic, I love it so much I'm sharing again  https://www.lovecbd.org/ I've reduced my anti depressants to half and am having no bad effects, felt miserable yesterday in the morning after talking to my daughter but that was the conversation not the tablets. My hair is definitely growing thick and fast thanks to silica and vitamin b. So all in all things are improving. I'm still waiting for a neurology appointment but am really living in hope that 6 months free of a seizure will see a reduction in the keppra and 12 months free of seizures will see me keppra free and back to normal life with work, wine and travelling again woohoo.

 On that note I'm signing off to do a workout, I've got a bikini I need to shape into :)

So up and down in one week

Hmmmm, so really this week has been partly brilliant and party not so much.

I'll start with the not so much so I can say it quickly, get it over with and then concentrate with the much much better.

So I had another petit mal seizure, this time in front of my grand daughter. Bless her, she knew this happens but this was the first time she saw it, she was frightened and then 2 days later unsurprisingly was frightened to be left alone with me. This made me cry, I absolutely hate the thought that either of my amazing grandchildren would be scared to be with me. They are the two little people that hold me together, make me feel that it's really OK to not be normal and they make me laugh every day and love life. This is the saddest things about this whole stuff that's happened. So that's it, that's the worst part of the bad stuff now it's time to move on to the good stuff.

The petit mal was the fastest recovery I've had, it was the quickest, I knew it was happening because I recognised the deja vu, I lost speech very briefly, I knew I had lost it but my thoughts were still working. Usually it takes me days to get over even a petit mal but this time I was fine about 2 hours later and didn't feel ill or exhausted the next day when I had to back to the hospital for another MRI. I had as always amazing staff to look after me and we laughed together. I was determined not to stay in hospital and I told the nurses that my reason for that was not having enough knickers!

I also saw the biggest chairs I have EVER seen, they are literally enormous, about half the size of my sofa, very comfy though, obviously these have to be provided for the people who can't fit in normal size chairs. I am going to have a Simon Cowell moment and say the thing that everyone is thinking but feel they can't say. It is to the detriment to our NHS budget that we have to have chairs made at a massive expense for people who are too fat to fit in a normal chair. Why should we have to provide this???

The results came back from the MRI on the same day and all is good, no change. It is possible (only a possibility) that scarring from the surgery (and it healing) is one of the 'possible' reasons for the seizures. This gives me hope that once the healing is complete the seizures will stop. This is a hope only but it's one that I am going to cling on to. I am now on 3 drops a day of the CBD a day, one drop in the morning and then 2 in the afternoon. I absolutely have no doubt that it's doing something to help, my thoughts feel clearer, my fatigue isn't so shattering, the fog lift lasts longer. My sleep was never really a problem (except after the surgery with the steroids) but my sleep now is great. I am knocked out within minutes, along with my meditation relaxing music. My brainwork has also been on target this week too, spending time on my Spanish and brain training isn't feeling exhausting. Obviously I am still aware that I can overdo it and I have to be careful. That said I am loving that I can achieve a little bit more every week. I have got another course to start, this time is mindfulness, I feel that this will be the final thing to add to my collection, I feel that once I am up and ready to work again I will have all the tools to achieve what I want to and this is my great hope.

When I got taken into hospital with the petit mal I got to meet a fantastic neuro Dr, she was so lovely but she wants to increase my keppra and gave me some other chemicals meds to take, I have rebelled and am not going to increase the keppra and didn't take the other stuff. Maybe this is a mistake but I honestly know I don't want to take them and I am sticking to that. I have to remind myself that as this is my body and my brain so it is my choice what I put into it. I've started cutting down my anti depressants, I know what I'm doing (because I read how to do it slowly), the Dr says I can only do it with their backing!! bollocks to that I can do this myself, it feels like I've taken control of myself and that feels great. I'm writing this as I'm watch the full monty womens thing and like them I feel like I'm getting my tits out just cos I can :)

I've got today a CBD balm to ease my scar and to see if the little bump on it can go down, it's lovely, smells beautiful. Even if it doesn't work I like it.

I've done a bit more reading about seizures and what to do to reduce them and one of the things as always is diet. There is a lot of talk around about a low carb diet and that having a great effect on reducing seizures. Keto diets and a modified atkins diet seems to be where the most talk is on, I'm not sure I can actually do it though and feel happy and as though it's normal. That almost makes me feel lazy but I am already very careful with my diet and I am happy with it and how I look and feel. So although there seems to be good research and results I think I will pass on that for the time being.

So all in all I think it's been a good week, I am smiling, laughing, doing stuff, feeling braver and moving onwards and upwards. As well as eating my body weight of chocolate and cake because it's Easter! Oh well back to the diet :)

Is it too soon to get excited???

OK so I've read and youtubed until I'm totally brain fogged with information overload. I've seen the stories in the daily mail about the support CBD oils are getting from so many people. I've read the amazing stories of CBD oils and their possible miracles (not really miracles but definately better possible solutions) and I've messaged and chatted to people all over the world to find out their experiences, get their tips and advice and I've decided it's definately time to give this stuff a real go and slowly get off my meds. Please if you are reading this don't take it as medical advice, I am in no way a medical person, I'm  definately in no way academic, so much so that I've been sending things to my brother who is much more academic than I would ever be to get his thoughts, he read, laughed and told me he always told me that smoking a joint was good for you! He then told me he used to give it to our Dad!!!!!!! But really, the information is overloading about what strains to take, what product to use and what to avoid.

I hope I've found 3 companies that seem to be brilliant and incredibly helpful. I am putting some links below of some of the incredible stories that have brought me to tears and given me hope that I can be myself again

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9qkYLtAhSQ

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-4865170/Woman-claims-cannabis-oil-CURED-brain-tumour.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-5523165/Sir-Patrick-Stewart-supporting-boy-given-cannabis.html

The companies I've decided to use which have amazing reviews and are so helpful are below.

https://cbdbrothers.com/

https://www.lovecbd.org/product/800mg-cbd-entourage-oil-spray/     This is what I'm using now

https://www.cbdoilsuk.com/product/charlottes-web-everyday-advanced-500-hemp-extract/


Day 1 one spray at about 11am, no idea why I took it at that time although I do know it should be taken about 2 hours away from the anti seizure meds. I have read just about everywhere that the way to take this is to put the drop (or spray) under your tongue and hold it there for 2 minutes. It tastes urgh but it's only for 2 minutes and it's a small price to pay so I'm not worried about that. There are apparently very good reasons for holding the oil under the tongue, it allows the active ingredients of CBD oil to be directly absorbed through the mucous membrane in the mouth. There are lots of capillaries, or tiny blood vessels, under the tongue which transfer directly into the bloodstream. When the CBD is absorbed under the tongue, it bypasses the digestive system and processing of the liver; therefore, the effects of CBD oil are not decreased by digestion. Sublingual application allows CBD to quickly enter the bloodstream and interact with the endocannabinoid system. I feel great, energy has picked up about 20 minutes after I took it. I'm not hungry :)

Day 2 1 spray again at about 11amish I am feeling great again. I really do have that energy and my sight seems to be feeling brighter, not in a weird spaced out way but in a brain fog clearing way

Day 3 1 spray again at about 11ish, I can definately feel as though the brain fog is lifting for a few hours during the day, I am feeling normal. Not for the whole time I still have to sleep but it's absolutely giving me more good energy.

Day 4  1 spray again, OK energy levels have increased. Done 2 workouts, walked for an hour and a half, most of that time listening to my Spanish (getting the grey matter back to work with some language). The brain fog for a chunk of the day is clear and I am for those few hours normal again.

Day 5 Oops overdid it yesterday and then last night I stayed up too late youtubing videos of studies on this stuff and it's results, it's fascinating and exciting. I've woken up shattered and with a banging headache,. I've taken a second spray today at about 5pmish, the information says the results last about 9 hours and that eventually I should be taking 1 or 2 sprays 3 times a day for the best effects. Lazy day today I think, when will I ever learn to take things gently?!

Day 6 2 sprays 1 first thing in the morning when I wake up and a 2nd at 4.30ish. I've been great today, Been for a nice walk (rather than a route march) done a good workout (just one, not two). Brain is feeling clear and I feel like I'm starting to remember normal stuff.

Day 7 2 sprays again, had a great nights sleep and woken up feeling refreshed. This stuff and the vitamin b are definately working, this cannot be a fluke. Oh I am so happy I could cry again. I can't believe that I am doing this to myself and I cannot believe that one week in of the CBD and I am feeling like this is going to work. This is really the first time since this all started that I am able to look forward and see a healthy and more normal future. Excuse me while I shed a few happy tears again. (now I'm going to be honest here, I wrote this last night before I went to bed, and I really did wake up feeling refreshed :) )

I've done more reading on my seizures too, both types, the dizzy spells are petit mal and one of the things of these is a feeling of deja vu, well strangely this happens and I honestly just thought it was me being weird, nope that's petit mal and also keppra!!!

I don't really want to read too much on the gran mal, they are scary and the information tells you that people die from them, I don't want to know!

Also CPRS complex regional pain syndrome (I don't have the pain) but this is another name for brain fog. Symptoms, poor memory and lack of concentration. Hahaha I have those by the bucket loads

So just by simply getting off the chemicals and replacing them with a vitamin b and a few drops of CBD a day I could clear all of this lot up. Seems like a potential miracle or too good to be true, I think I'd rather stick with the miracle thoughts for now while I can still get away with it :)

I've gone back through some of my first posts about natural foods and spices, so my bedtime drink has gone back to camomile tea with turmeric and cinnamon. My coconut oil with jasmine and frankincense is not only my nightly face cream it's only massaged into my dry scalp twice a week. It feels just lovely to have a head massage done by me, that should help with stopping the tumour regrow (coconut oil is supposed to shrink them), help with the sleep, not that I really have any trouble with that (the jasmine) and help with the brain function (thanks to frankincense).

I wonder if any of this natural magic will improve my eyesight and hearing??? Miracles can happen and what a learning curve this is.

Just before I finish off for the week, every time I switch on the TV it seems to be covering something to do with brain tumours, seizures or CBD. I feel like I'm being watched over or given some sort of warning or talk! What is going on in the world???
Happy Monday everyone :)

Trying to be proud of myself and look into the future

So in this weird, horrible in many ways, past 7 months I seem to have achieved a LOT. I have read and studied, I have passed 3 courses and am now qualified in various different things and am hopefully almost ready to move on to my next chapter of a new working life. I am a qualified meditation person, a qualified natural therapist and a qualified hypnotherapist, WOW not bad brain tumour woman :)

I've said this before that it's easy to look down on myself and sometimes others and even though this has been a really shit time with the tumour, the surgery, the seizures, the fear of every day life and blah blah blah, I'm doing OK and deserve a pat on the back.

Family have been a massive part of that, my girls! where do I start, these young women make me incredibly proud to be their mother every day. As mothers I feel that most of us just do our best, we want the best for our children but as there are no lessons of parenting we just do what we think is right. Sometimes this is good, sometimes not quite so good. When our beautiful children become vile teenagers (yes they nearly all do and both mine definately did) there is nothing we can do apart from pick them up and give them a damn good telling off, it'll take about 5 years for that telling off to sink in. When these vile teenagers grow out of this vile stage and magically turn into adults all we can do is hope for the best. Well ladies and gentlemen, I have absolutely no idea how it happened but my young women are awesome, they are bright, funny, caring, responsible and they have taken the best care and control of their poorly mother. They tell me off like I am the child sometimes, they cry with me, laugh with me and make me feel safe. I like to be sure that a great deal of that has come from their upbringing, not just from me but from their father and grand parents. I can't take all of the credit but I will enjoy every ounce of pride, they are my girls and I adore them and who they are. I am so very lucky to have them.

I'm also lucky to have an amazing group of friends. It's true that you learn who your friends are when the chips are down and it's also a really tough time to let the crappy ones go, it's upsetting to know that you've let selfish people become important to you but once you release them it's like a weight lifted off your shoulders, well it is once you've got over the hurt and then the anger (that hangs on for quite a while). My friends have been kind, caring, worried, funny and amazing. Again, I don't know how I have managed to surround myself with such awesome people, now, when I say surround myself, my friends are all over the place because I worked all over the place. They are still there though, on the phone or some sort of messenger. They lift me up when I need it, they bring me back down to earth when I am having a mad moment and they are just there when I need them. Even on a Friday night in front of gogglebox I am with my amazing friend even though she is on her sofa in Spain we are together and that is a very warm and comforting feeling. I am lucky.

So what am I going to do with my new skills? I have a plan, it's going to take a while to make come together but a plan is a plan. For the first time ever I want to help others find a way to help themselves. I want to help people to control their fear, pain and stress just by relaxing and now I almost have all the tools to do this. I want to teach people to relax, doctors, nurses, medical staff, teachers (that's my starting point) these people are so busy, so stretched and stressed and never get enough thanks for the amazing and hard jobs they do. I want to try and help them, it'll be a good platform for me to start I hope.

BTW last week I spoke about the vitamin B well I don't know if it's too early for me to feel any difference but I honestly feel that I have times of the day with no brain fog, it feels amazing. I've also started the new CBD entourage oil www.lovecbd.org I feel energised, awake and can see without a fog over my head, really is this possible so early on? I don't know but I do know that I am loving this feeling.

My final words this week are exercise, I love exercise, I am (or was) a full on gym bunny, I love a noisy, busy, hard working class, especially spinning and now there's no way I can do one, I miss it madly. Even walking past a gym can bring me to tears (ridiculous I know) but it was a massive part of my life and now I can't even go swimming!!! So I've returned to an old favourite, it looks and seems a bit weird to start with but once you get past the original creator (who looks a bit like a crazy lady in a very small leotard) it's a brilliant, gentle but good workout, I've got all of the downloads and I'm now doing one every day, I get the tiniest bit of dizziness when it comes to the laying down part of the programme but I stop, wait for the dizzy to go and then I start again. If you do have a look, the daughter Aubrey is fantastic and I much prefer her (not crazy) sessions. www.oxycise.com

Onwards and upwards we go, have a great week :)

Where do I go next?

I'm in a bit of a turmoil. Last week I decided to pop into the city centre (on my own) to pick up some bits and pieces, nothing needed but some time not to sit at home by myself. I had a funny turn in a shop, found a member of staff and said "I'm sorry, I have epilepsy and I don't feel well, please help me", thankfully the member of staff I found was a first aider with experience of epilepsy and was amazing, took me to a cool room, got me a drink and sat with me while I calmed down and thank goodness didn't have a full seizure. But once again this got me thinking about my medications. I have cried today with the fright, disappointment and these bloody meds that I hate. So I have read and read and read until my head is hurting and have possibly come up with a couple of long term solutions. Read on for the pros and cons of the meds and their possible replacements. Why oh why when you are put on these meds nobody tells you what the natural possible alternatives are? Why oh why can't the pharmactutical companies work together with the natural companies to create a medicine that doesn't create further issues and give us something more natural that works with our bodies and minds rather than against it. It's the frustration that makes me cry. I want to be strong, I want to take the bull by the horns and stop this from taking over the me that I actually really like.

Keppra, anti seizure medication, makes me feel awful, muddles my brain, apparently because even though it is helping to control the seizure it is also rotting my brain, making me exhausted while stopping my memory from working and causing me to be miserable. This medication also effects the way you body absorbs nutrients and some vitamins, particularly vitamin b.

CBD oil, massively popular at the moment as a potential saviour for epileptics, cancer patients, pain relief, psoriasis. There seem to be a million pros for this but the cons are that they are not medically accepted by many in the medical community for understandable reasons. This means that if you take it, you take it under your own steam with little or no backup from your medical team. It will test positive if you are drug tested, now for me that makes no difference because nobody is likely to drug test me but for many people who need to have clear drug testing for work this is a problem!!!

SSRI antidepressants. Given for obvious reasons, misery being my main one. I could be wrong here and probably am but it seems like we hear daily about mental health issues and how so many people suffer with them, I never (until now) thought I had a mental health issue that I couldn't sort out myself by getting together with good friends, going for a good walk, going to the gym or sitting down with a cuppa and a good book. I have never wanted to take anti depressants and begrudge that I am taking them now, possibly unnessecarily as I may be able to solve these issues with vitamin B and folic acid!

Vitamin B complex. Sooooooooooo here goes, vitamin b (particularly b6 is one of the massive brain helping vitamins, it helps the brain think, focus, remember and cognitively work. Vitamin B6 deficiency can induce anemia, abnormal brain activity, mood disorders, muscle twitching and seizures. Vitamin B6 deficiency also weakens your immune system. Folic acid deficiency can lead to anemia, heartburn, diarrhea, constipation, frequent infections, depression, mental confusion and fainting. Vitamin B12 deficiency produces anemia, fatigue and hypersensitivity, and degenerates your nervous system, leading to paralysis. With this little lot no wonder I feel like rubbish most of the time ! This information came from https://www.livestrong.com/article/483285-how-much-vitamin-b-complex-should-a-person-take-in-a-day/
Vitamin B is suppressed by keppra! So I need to find a vitamin B complex that includes B6, B12 to help improve my lagging eyesight, memory and B9 all of them to help the brain to function and the hair and nails to grow and to improve energy levels. Vitamin B you are going to be my best friend soon and for that I will love you :)
More information on Vitamin B9 is here and makes a great read https://www.organicfacts.net/folic-acid.html

So my thought process is this, start taking vitamin B complex so that I can wean off the anti depressant (slowly) while this is happening my brain fog can start to clear, my memory can improve and I can start to think like a normal person again. The B complex also assists hair and nail growth (great for my lost hair). Apparently the vitamin B has to be taken at the same time daily (like keppra) for it to work effectively. That's good to know.

Next is to start very very slowly on the CBD oil, and very very slowly (over about a year) cut down and hopefully eventually out the keppra. So that in theory by the end of the next 12 months the only things I will be taking is natural CBD oil and a vitamin B compex. Fingers (with long and strong nails) crossed for this, it's scary but I really really want to find a way to get off the chemical drugs that I feel are potentially long term doing me more harm than good. Fingers crossed

Memory & how to fix it

My memory has become shocking and I know this is partly age (urgh yep that dreaded word) and party because my brain either forgets how to work or is too tired to be bothered to, there is also the effect of the keppra, which is massively important but I hate the effects of.

I am desperate to improve my memory and try and get my brain back to work, there are a few things I'm looking at, 1 the brain training games, which seem to be good but I feel so tired after doing them for a few days, foods as always is a factor but I have now massively cut down sugar and bad fats, added in the turkey and walnuts and purple fruits, I'm burning aromatherapy rosemary (which is known to improve memory) and peppermint (known for headaches) oils - my home smells beautiful and I have meditation music which is meant to increase concentration whenever I'm reading or writing or working so what else is there???

I'm still studying hypnotherapy at the moment and have just taken a small break for a cuppa and have come across a hypnotherapy session for memory improving, that is definitely going to be worth working on and I will get a session recorded by my own dulcet tones to work on. I love the thought the hypnosis can help with so many things from pain relief to weight loss to relaxation and life improvement to phobia treatment. The course I've been studying has probably been the hardest thing I've ever had to learn and I am really struggling with my final module and exam. There is so much information to retain, thank goodness I've got it all written so that I can go back to it and will do once I've passed this course and get working. I am excited at the prospect of starting a new career that I can build while I'm recovering without causing myself too many problems and stress. I'm excited at the prospect of having a toolbox to help others help themselves using natural therapies and exercises, I truly believe that there are a million ways of helping ourselves without expensive, body killing chemical drugs. In the meantime I am going to get working on my brain and get the old grey cells working a little bit harder without wearing them out. A new start is on the way and it's exciting and a little bit nerve wracking.

Learning a new language is said to be great to improve your brain age and help your brain to focus and function. Recent studies have shown this to be true too. Bilinguals are said to have better decision making skills, improved memory, better attention, processing skills, cognitive abilities, bigger brains and a delayed onset of amnesia https://www.iwillteachyoualanguage.com/9-health-benefits-of-learning-a-foreign-language/ I loved speaking Spanish when I lived in Spain, I realised when I went back for a visit that I've lost a lot of my Spanish, this titbit of info is getting me back to my Spanish learning, bring it on duolingo, you are being reloaded :)

Art, now here's something that's new info for me. For those people who struggle to concentrate or their brains work differently (I think that goes for a lot of us with brain injury, surgery or just not working quite right) art is a great stimulant to increase and improve the brain function. It gets the brain working without the stress of making it think and is a great stress reducer. So that's something else for me to do, I've fancied getting one of those paint by numbers sets for a long time, this might just be the perfect reason, put some great music on and get the paint out. I love that idea
More info on how are and creativity helps the brain function is on this website https://www.healing-power-of-art.org/art-and-the-brain/

So new learnings are afoot, good books, lovely walks, coffee with friends and family, theatre trips planned (I love the theatre and plan to go more and more), I might as well enjoy this time while it lasts :)

The sadness of self deprecation

I find it sad that so many of us are so hard on ourselves. Self deprecation is the tough messages we give to ourselves. Often nastier than anyone else can give us, tougher and harsher comments than we would ever take off others.
I'm too fat
my boobs are too big (or too small)
my feet are horrible
I'm too stupid to apply for that job
I'm too ugly to be loved
If someone used that language to my girls as children I would have been a woman possessed to change that message but that is the same message I give to myself every day and I see my friends give themselves the same message. I am however trying really hard to be kinder to myself, to look in the mirror and remind myself that I'm doing OK, to get a plan of action for the future so that I know that I will be strong enough to move forward. To know that I look pretty damn good. To remind myself that I am a mother, a grandmother, a brilliant friend and a brain tumour survivor. 

Kindness is a beautiful quality and kindness to yourself (and myself) is equally beautiful and attractive. Not an over confidence kindness that makes you look brash and self absorbed. But a kindness that can be given to others where you can look at those around you and spot something nice in everyone as well as yourself. This kindness that you can say something nice to someone that can make their day, saying something nice to a friend or a stranger and make them smile on the inside for hours. This can keep the giver and receiver of that kindness with a warm glow inside. It's a free giving to say something gentle and kind, it costs nothing but means the world. My Dad used to say if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing.

I haven't always been kind to others around me and have probably gone through years judging people for their size, their job, their lifestyle and clothing choices. A nastiness that wasn't always on show on the outside but I am ashamed of. Don't read this wrong I don't think I was a nasty spiteful person but I don't think I always saw the best in everyone I met and I also am not foolish enough to believe that EVERYONE has a kind and gentle side to them all the time but I am proud to say I am not that judgemental person anymore, maybe that part of my brain was removed and for that I'm glad, it's not welcome back.

My Dad also used to say treat others the way you expect to be treated yourself. My Dad was a lot more sensible that he was given credit for a lot of the time, I miss him everyday, but with his words he is always with me, always with my girls because they also teach these words to my grandchildren. Dad you live on.

If you're reading this, be kind to yourself, make a cuppa, put your feet up and rest for a while with a good book. Be kind to yourself, everything will be fine. Much love from me today - Ooh I must have done a LOT of yoga this week :)

Reading, reading, writing and then some more reading

I've been lucky and have been given some fabulous books as presents by others and then bought some more for myself, reading has been a great part of my sitting down with a cuppa and resting.

Davina McCall lessons I've learned has been amazing, I've always been a fan (I know I know maybe not cool but I loved her on big brother) she is a massive inspiration and her book has only made that more so, from the alcoholic parents to her sister with brain tumours, heartbreakingly close to home. I've cried and laughed. Maybe she will read this and know how much she has helped me.

Fearne Cottons Happy the journal, this was a present to myself and I totally love it, writing down daily thoughts, feelings and memories is a brilliant way of me putting things into perspective. I've thought about things I haven't thought of for years and remembered things that have made me laugh until I cried. Thankyou Fearne for making me look inside myself and see that things are going to get better and better. I hope you too will maybe have a read of this blog and understand the help you are giving me every day.

Shaun Usher Letters of note, a christmas present and it is utterly beautiful to sit down with a cuppa and take a 10 minute break from the world and read a letter. This book is utterly beautiful.

Haemin Sunim The things you can only see when you slow down, I can see why this is such a massive bestseller it's beautiful. It's another one for a sit down for a break and a cuppa, putting things into perspective and making you look at things through different eyes. I feel like I want to do this a lot lately, it's doing me good.

On my reading list
Mary Ann Shaffer The Guernsey literary and potato peel pie society, recommended by my daughter who is also my personal book advisor, she reads brilliant books and everything she recommends to read I love

Michael Heppell How to be brilliant, I'm looking forward to this one and to make my perceptions of things happier and healthier

Danny Wallace Join me, this books looks incredible and so do most of the rest of his collection, I might just become a Danny Wallace fan

I'm a slow reader so these will take a while but it will be recovery times to enjoy with a nice cuppa and maybe even a biscuit or two.

Struck by the dreaded lurgy

Well it's hit me, the dreaded lurgy that comes around to get us all at this time of year. I hoped I'd manage to escape it but as my throat hurts along with my head and I have the delightful cough of a dog there was no escaping it. I will try to escape the chemical meds and antibiotics though and hope that paracetamol with hot honey and lemon will take care of it.

This is the time of year that we see the NHS being slated by the press and this is what I find so horribly upsetting. Our NHS is without doubt incredible and that is the reason it is abused by so many other parts of the world, the free health care that we give to thousands on a daily basis is a massive part of what's breaking it, the fact that our front of house staff don't take the details of the people we are treating so that the money for their treatment isn't claimed from their own countries. Having lived overseas I know that if I turn up to a Greek, Spanish, German or French hospital without my EHIC card and passport I will either be not treated and turned away or treated and given a bill on my departure and this I expect and accept which is why I travel with health insurance. I don't have the full figures, and this morning I don't have the energy to google them but we must be owed billions every year by numerous countries for the free health care that we give, surely this needs to be done to help save our wonderful NHS and surely this needs to be done soon before it collapses and we lose it altogether. On this note I also want to mention the care given by our staff, having been in a few times this last 6 months I can honestly say that I have met some of the most incredible people who have given me the most incredible care under their most difficult working circumstances, I have laughed until I cried with some of these staff and for that I will never be able to show them the gratitude that they deserve.

This last week definately wasn't a good slimming world week while I chomped away on popcorn, ice cream, crisps and biscuits with the kids on school holidays but boy oh boy it was bloody lovely :) I have absolutely turned into an old lady while I think the best way to spend an evening is tucked up under a fleece blanket watching a film, star wars with him, musicals with her and eating our way through tubs of ice cream and popcorn at the same time. Every now and again the thought pops into my poorly head that thank God I'm alive to enjoy this and I wipe away a tear. I'm tired of being scared, I'm tired of my friends and family being scared but I don't know what to do to stop it, the happy pills stop the worry but they obviously don't stop the seizures, I am in the thought space now that the time in between the seizures I just have to enjoy and then when they happen take the rest time to get over them and start again.

My hair is growing back hurrah, it's a bloody mess, looks like a mop but it seems to be thicker than ever and even got a bit of a spring to it, so even if there is a fair amount of grey there is a fair amount of hair. I literally have no idea where to go with it, it's still too short to style but getting more and more every week. That along with the rest of the hair on my body, I've never had to shave so regularly :)   I'm guessing this is due to the sea kelp and the silica , the silica is also meant to be good for skin, nails and bones so I'm sticking with it. This is a great place to read up on silica and it's uses and benefits https://blog.viviscal.com/power-of-silica-for-hair-growth-the-complete-guide/

After the seizure of a couple of weeks ago I never did find that earring but I am having to buy an oysta pearl https://oystatechnology.co.uk/ this is going to give me back a little bit more independence, it means that in the event of an emergency I don't have to try and use my mobile (impossible) but just press a button to get help and with it's gps it means I can be easily found. I will definately feel like an old lady with that hanging around my neck but a safer old lady that won't be left abandoned without help if I do have a seizure on my own, what a bloody pain eh!!! Oh and finally my car is being sold, I have finally come to the realisation that I definately won't be back behind the wheel anytime soon so it might as well get the money in the bank instead, thank goodness for my free bus pass hahaha